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Thursday 5th September 2019


The results are finally in. It’s been decided that RHLSTP was the number one show of the Edinburgh Fringe. You can’t argue, here’s the proof 
Well done everyone for trying, but that's settled now. You lost, get over it. The Edinburgh Fringe is finished forever.

We got a new fridge freezer today. The old one was shit and was ruining our lives and I am confident that now we have one that works properly everything will be good and Brexit will also be sorted out. If only we’d identified the culpability of our fridge freezer earlier then his might have been a much less upsetting decade all round. Sorry about Trump too.
I was pretty nervous about the new one arriving. We’d got our old one through the door so hopefully this one would be able to come in too, and I’d measured the space and was 85% certain the new one would fit it. But the website we’d ordered from said we had to talk to the delivery people on the phone if we wanted our old appliance removed and the people on the phone said we should have put that info online when we bought it. Maybe we’d end up with two fridge freezers and the new one not plumbed in.
As it happened we got two of the most diligent and cheerful delivery men I have ever encountered. Moving fridge freezers around is not easy at the best of times, but it took a lot of ingenuity to get the new one in through the back door (it would just have fit, but the bit you get water from had a nozzle that stuck out too far, so they had to bring it through with one door open and then pivot) and they also had to get the old one out of its dusty and dirty little alcove and nip in behind it to disconnect the water.
Everything was in hand, except it turned out the old unit was hard wired rather than plugged into the mains and they weren’t qualified to do that with the new one. But they helped me set up an extension lead to plug it in for now, until we can get an electrician round.
One of them took the ice cube tray from the old one (the ice had stopped working ages ago, but there was a big tray inside the freezer where the ice was supposed to appear) cos he thought it would work well for when he was changing the oil in his motorcycle. He seemed genuinely made-up to get it. I think he was the new guy on the team though - the other guy was up to his eyes in free ice trays. 
I liked hanging out with the proper men and occasionally helping them out. There was a bit where they had to lift the unit off its polystyrene base and it was my job to whip out the polythene whilst they lifted the freezer clear. Whipping away the polystyrene is the hardest bit of that. And that’s even if you don’t have a phobia based on the squeaky sound that polystyrene makes.. Which I do. I didn’t even tell the guys about it. I just got though it. I could see they were impressed. 
It was also my job to hold the open fridge door as they squeezed the item through the back door and then tell one of the men when it was time to pivot to get it through. I thought I’d mess that up, but I didn’t. So double win.
I thought about asking if they wanted to take me on and make it a three man team, though I wouldn’t be up for any lifting or anything technical or driving and would prefer to stay in the van when they take the polystyrene off, but I think I have the necessary maverick qualities to deliver huge white goods all over the country. And I’d like to start collecting ice trays.
You can’t use fridge-freezers straight away in case internal gases have settled in transit (or something) - you’d know that if you were a maverick fridge-freezer delivery guy, but the bad karma of the old fridge freezer left with it and the house felt like a brighter and better place. And the ice comes out of a dispenser in the door in this one so we’ll soon have it whenever we want.
And Brexit will be done away with and Trump will have our old fridge-freezer dropped on him.

Guests are now confirmed for the RHLSTP at the Brighton Theatre Royal on 15th September. Joining the fragrant Simon Evans is the presenter, model, actor, author, agony aunt and star of Fist of Fun (and the Lee and Herring radio show) Annabel Giles.  Get your tickets here, Brighton. We had such fun in April and I'd love to keep coming back so support us with a bum on a seat if you can.

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