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Saturday 7th October 2017

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It’s the innocence of babies that gets to you. A human being who has not yet made a mistake or been a dick or blotted their copybook in any way (unless you include shitting in your pants). It’s literally awesome. It makes you envious and you wish that you could be so pure and blameless too. I don’t know what counts as the first mistake that you make, but you haven’t made it by day 3. 
It’s a clean slate. Maybe he will never mess up in his life.
For much of the day Ernie lay sleeping on me. It’s probably the best thing about having a tiny baby. Them just lying on your lap or shoulder until whatever part they’re pressing down on goes to sleep. And then for another few hours. It’s hard to think of anything that could make you happier for such a long period of time. I really needed a wee, but I waited and waited and then finally like a Ninja pro managed to stand up, get to the bathroom, do my business and get back to the bed without waking him up. What a triumph!
And I already love this whelp with all my heart, whilst somehow I also love my daughter and wife with all my heart. Like my heart exists in three alternate universes that have converged and the same space can contain three different things. And three things of infinite size and magnitude. Take that physics. My heart is full, but like some kind of necromancy it turns out that you can fill it again. Ernie is a wonder. Just as Phoebe was and is.
Picking up my daughter after holding my son for so long I was struck by how much she has grown. It felt like picking up an adult in comparison. How was she ever so small? How did she grow? When will it stop? No one knows the answers. My children are really making science look idiotic.
These perfect moments (and hours) holding your child, before either you have done anything to screw the other one over… it gets no better. I am glad I have got to experience it twice. It was almost so good that it made me want to experience it a third time. 
But I think two kids and a dog might be enough of a challenge for a man of my age.


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My new stand up show, Oh Frig I'm 50 is at on tour from February til June 2018. There's also a new series of RHLSTP with recordings every Monday from February 5th to April 2nd All details of shows here.
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