As someone who understands much about probability it is ridiculous that I treat every plane journey as a chance to take stock of my life and prepare myself for oblivion. Statistically I am much more likely to die when I get into a car (especially if I am driving and even more especially if I start playing CNPS), but something in me still believes that every plane journey will be my last.
Or possibly something in me believes that if I openly state that the plane is going to crash then there is no probable way that it could. The coincidence would be too great. So by preparing myself for death, I am actually protecting myself, because everyone knows if you say something out loud, then in fact the opposite will happen.
Clearly this is even more ridiculous and embarrassing to admit for someone who claims to be an atheist, rationalist.
I dont fly all that much though, so it is good to make my occasional peace with the world (which would just get annoying if I had to do it every time I got in the car), to be thankful that I have beaten impossible odds to be alive in the first place and have been lucky enough to live in a time and place where I am generally happy and comfortable and able to do the ridiculous job I do.
There was a Muslim couple sitting in the seat in front of me, and the woman had a video camera on her lap. I thought this was odd and desperately tried to stop myself thinking that they had somehow got a bomb disguised as a camera through the fairly tight security. I knew that she couldnt have and that I was once again just being horribly paranoid and racist. I also knew I didnt really believe it , but still hated my brain for having imagined it and was still thinking, Why have your video camera on your lap on a plane flight?
But I didnt complain. I accepted my death like one of those idiots who believes that everything happens for a reason. Even though I am utterly confident that practically everything happens for no reason.
Despite the worries of death and destruction I do actually like flying (and especially the privilege of being able to get anywhere in the world so quickly) and am a much less nervous flyer now that I have realised that you just have to accept you are in a situation you have no control over. Theres nothing you can do, so you might as well enjoy the flight and the freedom from responsibility. It is such a wonderful and ridiculous achievement to be able to fly above the clouds (that so few people in history and even living today have ever experienced) that I actually believe it is worth the slight risk of death. And there is even a part of me that would kind of like to witness a plane crash from the inside, especially if I had some kind of Star Trek force-field around me and a parachute. Planes have taken me on some wonderful adventures (even better than the current trip to Jersey) and it would be terrible if irrational fears had stopped me from boarding those planes. I am ready to die the minute the good lord Enki wants to take me.
As it happened the lady in front had her video camera out so that she could film our take-off out of her window. As electronic equipment isnt meant to be used on take-off this was possibly as disastorous as her coming on with a bomb and I began to wonder how much damage Al Quaida could do with some strategically placed mobile phones and game-boys (I thought Scrabble could only be used for good, but it could bring down a plane).
We also had a slightly bumpy ride thanks to turbulence and I realised that much as I am ready to die, and much as watching my own flesh being burnt off would be academically interesting, I would much prefer to stay alive with my unburning skin covering my non-excruciating pain-filled insides.
