Warming Up

Saturday 30th April 2016

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Leicester City  look certain to top the Premier League and my team York City are not only relegated out of the league but seem doomed to claim the bottom spot in their division. These two cities fought over who would get to bury Richard III. Seemingly the winner has become magically invincible and the loser cursed.  I am writing a caper movie where the York squad attempt to steal the King’s bones. But they drop the skull and the opposition scores. My only consolation is that I put £10,000 on Leicester winning the title a year ago, so I will be a millionaire. But it hardly makes up for supporting such a shit house football team.

And my month of pretty much constant touring came to a welcome end tonight in Winchester. I now just have nine more Happy Now? gigs in the next six weeks and then that’s another show put to bed. I guess I might do a run of all 24 of my solo shows in 2030, but I am not sure my brain will be functioning well enough by then (if it’s functioning at all) to retain all those words. So if you want to see this show live, then get booking quick. The final show is at the Leicester Square Theatre on 12th June, fittingly 9 months to the day since the premiere. The gestation period of a human baby (though in truth that’s more like 10 months, no one tells you that) and hopefully by then it should be just about ready to show to people.

Here’s where it’s on 

12th June Leicester Square Theatre, London.

Tonight I came tantalisingly close to selling out, but had about ten more tickets to sell in the end. Others might think that was close enough to put SOLD OUT on the list, but I can not tell a lie. 

But the theatre I have my longest working association with certainly looked packed to the rafters and as usual my weariness deserted me once I stepped on to the stage and I smashed it as always (remember I can not tell a lie).

Afterwards someone in the audience tweeted me to ask if the woman on the poster was really my wife (obviously I have to endure a lot of remarks about punching above my weight), but also suggested the possibility that the picture actually showed a robot. This would make sense of a lot of things. Firstly, how did I manage to get such an amazing woman to marry me? It made no sense when she was a human, but if she’d been programmed to fall in love with me or merely to act as if she loved me then that would explain a lot. Also why would any woman be annoyed by my desire to have sex with a sex robot that looked like the actress Gemma Chan? It’s just a machine, it’s not a real affair and it would mean nothing at all. But if my wife was a robot herself, then of course me having sex with another robot would be infidelity of the worst kind.

On the plus side if my wife is a robot then I have already had sex with a sex robot and fulfilled my childhood dream, though on the negative side, I have been living a lie for eight years and what does it say about my baby? Is she a half human, half cyborg like Robocop of just another robot, created by some evil genius to fool me into thinking I have a happy life, based on real feelings, when in fact I am just at the centre of an android pantomime. 

To be honest I am flattered that someone hates me this much to go to the trouble and expense of tricking me like this. I don’t know what I did to make them so angry, but I’d like to say sorry.

And I just had a terrible thought. What if I am a robot, created to seduce my wife and give her the illusion of a meaningful existence. I wouldn’t know that I was a robot if I’d been programmed to think that I wasn’t one. And it would certainly explain why I am so keen to have sex with a robot.

What if everyone in the world is robots and you’re the only real human being?

It’s a thought that every eight year old child has, but they never seem to consider the expense and time that would be taken to orchestrate this scheme. And what self-importance you must have to think that you’re so special that someone would do that. It’s not a million miles away from thinking you’ve been created by a God. All human beings are essentially mentally ill. 

I can say that, because I am a robot. Probably. I hope so anyway.

I can't wait until I am decommissioned.

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