I’d stopped off at a Roadchef for Brunch on the way to Brighton and was sitting at a table working on my computer. The clouds that have been causing my most recent bout of writer’s block seem to be clearing and whilst I am still some way from finishing the script that I should have finished at the end of July or September (depending on which if either deadline you were taking seriously – neither for me of course, but you might have a different work ethic), things are progressing in the right direction. I was facing the entrance to the gent’s toilet, by accident rather than design and anyone who says otherwise is lying and at one point absent mindedly looked up from my computer screen (no messages from God on it that I have noticed) whilst thinking about what I was going to write next. I caught the eye of a man coming out of the lavatory, just as he was in the process of pressing one of those smiley faces they have where you can register if you were satisfied with the cleanliness of the facilities. He looked self conscious and embarrassed to be caught in the act of judging the Roadchef toilets and I was equally embarrassed to have inadvertently done the catching in the act.
Because though IÂ’d never thought of it before there is something shameful in participating in this strange ritual of saying whether you thought a toilet was clean enough or not clean enough (or more bizarrely somewhere in between these two concepts- neither clean enough nor not clean enough). ItÂ’s something that if you want to do at all you would want to do privately, because ultimately it is a strange survey to take part in. Possibly especially for a man, who society dictates should not really take an interest in such things. I think it would be a rare man who always decided to have his opinions (or lack of opinion) registered on this subject every time he uses a public facility, but occasionally the mood strikes us and we decide to let a service station know that we thought their restrooms were neither brilliantly clean or offensively dirty. We hope to do this surreptitiously, without giving others the chance to judge as for our actions, as we are anonymously judging others, so to be observed doing it and be aware that you have been observed is very slightly humiliating. I hadnÂ’t thought about it before, but all this complicated process was revealed in the dropping of the manÂ’s face when he knew his cover had been blown. He was ashamed, he realised in an instant that what he had chosen to do was childish and strange, but heÂ’d been lured in by one of the smiley/non-smiley/neither smiley nor non-smiley faces. Alas I couldnÂ’t see which one he had chosen, but my guess is it was the middle one, because to vote, but have no real strong opinion either way is even more embarrassing and would explain his degree of dejection.
I think the service stations should add a fourth button to the toilet exit which says “I find the idea of having to press a button to comment on the cleanliness of the toilets both humiliating and weird and strongly feel that anyone who chooses to register their opinion probably does not have an opinion worth listening to. Please take this into account in your statistical break-down of these results”.
Do you even believe that anyone even looks at the findings of the survey? Or do you suspect like me that pressing the button causes absolutely nothing to happen and no tally of results is made? Do you think that at the end of the day it is someone’s job to go on to a computer and look at the findings and make decisions based on them? At 10pm does the manager run out into the foyer of the service station and shout to all his staff, “53% of men today thought the toilets were clean!” resulting in celebrations and high-fives all round? Or do you think the smiley faces are just there to give people the impression that the service station gives a flying fuck about the cleanliness of their urinals, when in fact they’re not really all that bothered?
If anyone reading this has the job of analysing that data do get in touch with me. In the meantime do think carefully before you join this strange vote and if you are going to participate and want to retain your dignity at least check no-one is watching you first.
