I am staying at my sister's house in Cheddar this year, which is packed with pets and her practically totally grown-up family (
Her youngest son, Andrew, who you may remember from my tennis playing exploits, is unbelievably 18 in a couple of weeks When did I grow old?).
They woke me up early for Christmas breakfast which wasn't totally appreciated after the night before at the Lamb. So after the drinking and gorging of Christmas Day- it's what Jesus would have wanted: people eating so much food that they made themselves sick, whist the poor starved in the cold (where are you when we need you to stand up against something, Christian Voice?) - I was glad to get back to their house and prepare myself for bed.
I went into the bathroom to rid myself of waste and was surprised to see one of the family cats sitting in the bath tub. I couldn't be bothered to chase it out into the house. If it wanted to watch me have a poo then that was up to it. Neither of us, I am sure, was remotely turned on by the idea of a cat watching a man defencate. And anyone who says that I am turned on by a cat watching me defecate is lying.
The cat seemed to be trying to drink some water out of the tap and was licking at it hopefully, but there was hardly any moisture there at all. So in an act of generosity which I am sure would have made Jesus happy if he was watching (and remember if you are a Christian you believe that he was watching. Jesus was watching me defecating in front of a cat. Just sitting there looking at that. Who is the real pervert), I leant over from my seat and gently turned the cold tap in the hope of making more of a dribble of water come out to qunech the thirst of this destitute Christmas cat. I could already see the children's book being written about this act of charity. It was a beautiful scene and for me summed up Christmas.
But the tap moved quite a bit without any more water coming out and I ws concerned that if I turned the dial too far, too fast then a deluge would occur, soaking the cat below, sending it into a tornado of wet cat rage, which would ruin the story. How would kids respond to the sight of a fat naked man on a toilet being bitten in the face by a drenched moggy? Badly. Book sales would plummet.(
It would be like the radiator incident all over again, but with added claws, nakedness and human effluent)
The taps gurgled and a small stream of water started coming out. The cat licked away at the tap with all its might, sucking on the tap for what seemed like ages. It got its fur slightly wet, but it didn't seem to care. It must have been really thirsty. I am not saying that my sister is not looking after her animals and is failing to give them drink. You must draw your own conclusions on this and only phone the RSPCA if you are sure she is guilty.
I have to say that from where I was sitting this was one of the funniest sights I have seen all year. To appreciate the humour you might have to find a thirsty cat and put it in a bath and then get it under a drizzle of water, but I laughed as much at this as I have at anything in ages. It seemed to me the cat was laughing too. But then i suppose he had quite a funny view as well. But surely Jesus got the best view, getting the hilarity of both the drinking cat and the fat defecating man. Which I am pleased about. Because it's nice that he should have something to make him laugh on his birthday. Especially when he's the only person who doesn't get loads of presents today, which seems a bit rich, but we all have our cross to bear.
