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My wife is from whatever country I am visiting too. And I also sometimes get slightly confused about where I am due to me being inherently racist.
Around this time in history, future readers using this as their only contemporary source as all other writings were destroyed in the post-Brexit Apocalypse, the people of the UK began to awake from the weird collective psychosis and realise that Brexit was not a simple matter of walking away from the EU and that the decision, whilst giving us our prized blue passports (that we could have had anyway) and returning us our bent bananas (which never left, but which we now can’t have because of our inability to import food) will lead to job losses, lack of food and medicine, inflated prices and death. Everyone desperately started looking for some kind of solution to get us out of it.
My idea is this:
What if we tell people we left the EU, but actually we stay part of the EU? Might that work?
If not. I am still waiting for a last minute Twilight Zone twist to save us:
What if the twist is we were never in the EU in the first place? #brextwist
Also we are robots.
Also this was the planet earth all along
What if we try to leave the EU but find out the EU never existed? #brextwist
What if the UK turns out to be a Truman Show Tv project and we were all part of France all along? #brextwist
What if on the day of Brexit we just convince the EU that it was all just a dream and we never even had a vote #brextwist
We just turn up at all the meetings and pretend nothing has changed? And act like everyone in Europe is mad when they tell us to go.
What if Nigel Farage limps down the road on the morning of Brexit, disappears and it turns out he never existed (anagram of E flag Nirage- mirage would have been too obvious) #brextwist
What if this is just all the dying dream of Nigel Farage in that plane wreck? #brextwist At least that would be something.
Fun email from the publishers of my new Emergency Questions book about what I can and can’t say in the questions. Are we able to quote at length they lyrics to “Have a Cracking Christmas” from the old Woolworths advert? Technically it’s someone else’s copyright, but I suspect they are now dead and that they didn’t let their kids know that that was their work. Given Woolworths is no more, it would be even harder to find out who holds the copyright. But just in case we will be cutting that bit down.
Also I was rude about a hotel (the one where I found a bogey on my shower curtain) and a horrible restaurant chain, so we’re not allowed to name them, even though I think they’d be foolish to complain and thus publicise my true experiences of their awful service. I also like the fact that the legal department were concerned for my own legal situation. I seemingly admit to wanting to come up with terrorist atrocities, wanking paedophiles from behind a curtain and running over a child whilst drink-driving. If any of that were true it would be an odd medium in which to admit my crimes, but I offered them some extra lines to get me out of hot water if the police decide to prosecute.
I am not having a go though. I am delighted that there is a legal team there to protect me. It just amuses me that some serious person with a proper degree has had to work their way through my book looking for trouble, having to take things that are not meant to be taken literally as literal. They seemed to let the idea of someone having an armpit that dispenses suncream go, presumably because they think this is possible. I don’t know.
My life has really been a series of mildly inconveniencing people with proper jobs via my childishness.
This way the money goes to upstanding tax-payer Chris Evans (not that one) who will use it to fund more filming of brilliant but non-mainstream comedy shows and not Ian Amazon, who hates paying tax and spends all his money on putting land-mines in primary schools. So I've heard. Might have to run that past the legal department.
