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Saturday 8th September 2018


The airport experience on the way home from wherever it was that we’d been on holiday was not as easy as coming out. And that’s why Brexit is right. From now on I am only using UK airports and not foreign ones. 
There was lots of queuing and a bit of confusion about where we had to leave our pram and then very little to do once we were through security. Even though it was just after 10am I suggested to my wife that we have a final holiday beer. And we bought some Camembert crisps (I love to sample the local cuisine, even when I don’t know where I am) and a Toblerone and some other bits and bobs. Shame all this wasn’t on the all inclusive card because we spent about 50 euros on nothing of any value.
Weirdly we were sitting in an airport lounge with all the people we’d just been on holiday with, though not really making eye contact with most of them, like we were all in the Great Escape. No doubt they were all judging the terrible parents sipping at tiny five pound beers at 10.20am whilst their kid ate 12 Pringles at once, like a bit Scooby snack, spreading broken bits of horrible crisp over the floor like a demented Cookie Monster who had decided to go savoury. And rightly so. We were awful. I wish there had been some non British people to witness it,. They’d give us anything we wanted in order for us to Brexit after they’d seen this.
My wife reminded me that I had to drive our car when I got home. I had forgotten when I’d ordered the beer. But the drive was some four hours away at this juncture, so I drank the beer quick so that it would be out of my system.
Flying with a family is a new form of mental torture for the paranoid idiot. In the past I used to worry about dying young, but it’s too late for that now and to be fair for me death would be a blessed release. But putting my whole family into a big flying tube that could explode   at any second (and apparently this happens in about one in seven flights) is a bigger horror. Once I had a dream that I was in a plane that crashed shortly after take off into the mountains that surrounded the airport. So now, as there were today, whenever there are mountains near an airport I think my “premonition” is about to come true. And my last seconds would be spent realising everything that I cared about was on this plane (my laptop, my phone and my iPad) and we were all going together.
I don’t know why I consider this dream a premonition and not all the others. Even if we were just talking about the ones with planes in, I have a recurring dream that I’m in a plane that can’t gain height and flies along about twenty feet above the ground and then dips under motorway bridges before landing and continuing the journey by road. I don’t think that one is going to happen.
We got lucky, we were in one of the six in seven planes that doesn’t fly into mountains and one of the one in six that doesn’t have to land on the motorway and we got home in four pieces (which is what we started in). The dream will come true another day. Hopefully when I an travelling without my kids and wife and have for some reason left my electronics at home. I mean there will be other families on board this doomed craft I suppose, but who cares about them. As long as my kindle can be passed down to my kids.
It was good to be home. The week had passed with indecent speed and it already felt like a dream. The kind of dream you’d have just as your plane was crashing into a mountain. You never dream about crashing into a mountain, if you are actually crashing into a mountain. That’s just dream rules.
Some of you reading this may know how I actually end up dying. Was it by crashing into a mountain? You must be really freaked out, if so. But then I also once had a dream about watching a swimming race and then the raked seating suddenly moving upwards and dropping us all into the pool which was now electrified, killing dozens including me and Mark Lamar (and I didn’t wake up before I died either which was worrying). Again if that’s the way I go then that surely proves something. One of these fucking billion dreams has to get it right surely?

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