I was glad that I don't spend every night sleeping in a boarding school when a loud alarm roused me from my bed at the unGodly hour of 7.15am. But on second thoughts maybe it's what I need. A system of loud alarms installed at my home and a schedule I had to follow might get my life into some kind of order.
I think I rather liked the institutionalised nature of school: the fact that your day was planned out, your friends were always on hand and activities were set up for you and were easy to attend. Without a timetable, a system of bells and the threat of a slippering if I break the rules I am somewhat cast adrift in the world. Perhaps I should try and genuinely join the sixth form at Llandovery College. The headmaster might be a bit wary after my Rodney Dangerfield remark during the show, but that was only a joke. I would only fantasise about sleeping with the sixth formers, making me like at least 80% of the other sixth form boys (I am sure at least 20% don't have to fantasise about it) and at least 90% of the male teachers.
I am sure that the school fees would be a lot cheaper than my mortgage and I'd be getting a room, all my meals cooked for me, an education and loads of new friends into the bargain. Admittedly my new friends would all be over 20 years younger than me, but I think that would only be weird at first. After a while I would be accepted as one of them.
I am so alone.
Perhaps someone should open a boarding school for directionless adults. I am sure there are many idiots like me who would want to attend. I genuinely think this could be brilliant. Let me know if you'd like to attend such a place and I'll try and get it set up.
At least the early awakening meant I was on the road bright and early. heading back to my unstructured London life. The sun was shining and the sky was blue and it cheered my heart. Winter is over and summer is here and I will not hear any arguments to the contrary.
Plus I saw
that bloke off of Eggheads (you know, the not very good one) in the service station on the way home. He was walking around in the cafe pretending not to notice the crowds of people looking at him in amazement and I imagine he was thinking, "Yes, that's right, it's me, that bloke off of Eggheads (the not very good one), but look at me pretending to be just an ordinary person going about my daily business. But I am not ordinary. I am a big star. From Eggheads. And yes the show might be improved if multiple choice answers weren't given for most questions giving people a one in three chance of just guessing the answer."
Later he came into the gents toilets while I was doing a wee. I didn't see him doing a wee though because I was just finishing and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that people were watching him wee just because he is on TV. As I left I think he may have looked at me, probably thinking, "It's the bloke from More4's "The Last Word"", but I pretended not to notice as if I was just an ordinary person who had just been for a wee, rather than the star of three episodes of a cable TV show who had just done deposited some of my special celebrity wee in the urinal used by ordinary people for their normal wee.
It was quite a celebrity encounter. I expect that one day someone will write a play about this incident. So important am I and that bloke from Eggheads.
By the way as far as I could see his head was not made of an egg. TV had lied to us again.
