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We braved the madness of Waitrose on Christmas Eve Eve to pick up a turkey and other Christmas shit. The idiot middle-class people of Hitchin queued to get into the free for 2 hours supermarket car park, not realising that the multi-storey right next door is free all day on a Sunday. To be fair we hadn’t realised that either, but what a discovery. It was practically empty, whilst metres away people with more money than sense crawled round the Waitrose car park in their cars looking for a space. I laughed at them from on high. Though the joke was on me. I’d parked at the top, lest the lower floors were full (there’s no way back up once you’ve gone down), but I could have parked at ground level and been even closer to the over priced onions.
Still, there’s a little secret for my Hitchin based readers.
I can tell you much about the many Waitrose of Hertfordshire, but my main news is that the Waitrose shoppers of Hitchin are much nicer than the ones in Harpenden. Even on a packed day like today the Hitchin shoppers remained polite and friendly. Yet go any time in Harpenden to see the sharp-elbowed, inconsiderate pricks who shop there. Welwyn Garden City Waitrose shoppers are basically zombies who are neither rude or polite, but who trudge through the ant trail that their year has become, never realising that they have grown old or that they are just rats on a circular conveyor belt, who shall only be removed once they’ve died. The Stevenage Waitrose is a ghost town, built there before anyone realised that nobody in Stevenage could afford to shop there, and had to subsist eating wattle and daub from the roof of their huts. The supermarket is fully stocked and staffed, but if you do go in there to shop, nobody knows how to deal with it or work the tills and you are just ripped apart by dogs and fed to the Stevenage Morlocks who make up 90% of that city’s population.
Luton doesn’t have a Waitrose. At least they have an understanding of who they are. It would only get smashed.
That’s pretty much the Hertfordshire Waitrose news.
We did pretty well at getting everything we needed, though I am disappointed to report that Waitrose don’t have big tins of Quality Street. I was all for their air of middle-class superiority until I discovered this. Too fucking good for a big tin of Quality Street are you, Ian Waitrose? You’ve forgotten who you are and why you got into this business. We bought a small box, but it’s not the same. I realised that a small box Quality Street is basically what I eat in one visit to the tin. Except there aren’t enough sweets in there to avoid having to eat the rubbish ones that you don’t like.
But as long as I get a free coffee that isn’t very nice and the paper that I don’t have time to read, I can forgive Ian Waitrose anything. Plus I love judging which charity deserves my green coin and silently condemning the other two as not worthy of my free bit of plastic.
And I've only gone on about shopping at Waitrose because this is the last Christmas that anyone except Jacob Rees-Mogg will be able to afford to shop there. This time next year the whole country will be like Stevenage. Or possibly even Luton. It's what we voted for.
