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Family road trip down to the south coast to stay with friends for a couple of days. They live in Bournemouth which is the town where my wife was living in when I first met her and the place that I realised I was in love with her. We haven’t been back there together in the 11 years that have passed. Maybe going back to the same place would destroy the magic. Especially if we found that haunted carnival machine where I’d made my wish that Catie would fall in love with me. I wonder if that could be somehow connected to the unlikely reality that she did.
There were two of us then, but now there are four. And it’s all thanks to Bournemouth and Voltar. Who may also be the true father of these kids. Which explains why they both have painted on beards.
On the way down I was emailed a picture of the front cover of Bristol Life magazine, which was remarkable for having a huge picture of my face on the cover. I think it’s only the second magazine cover of my life - Stew and I graced the front cover of the anniversary issue of Deadpan magazine in the mid-nineties, which folded shortly after. So good luck Bristol Life, you’ve just signed your own death warrant.
I was on the cover ahead of my curation of the
Bristol Slapstick Festival in January (I’m interviewing the Goodies, Tim Vine and some of the Inbetweeners team -it’s going to be good) - do come along if you can.
The picture they have used is a few years old and has been airbrushed and/or treated a bit, so I look surprisingly and untruthfully handsome. I imagine the audience will be full of horny men and women who have seen this cover and want to see me in real life, who will be disappointed by the reality. But you can’t ask for your money back because a performer is not as good looking as you were expecting. It’s the perfect crime.
My other option is to work out and get some plastic surgery and hair dye before January and get airbrushed, so I look the same.
But if ever I really looked like that then no wonder I managed to convince my wife to fall in love with me. In fact tonight she left me to start a new life with the man from the front of that magazine.
