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I get a lot of spam mail messages on instagram, mostly from young ladies offering me pornographic videos. It's nice of you to offer, but there are more than enough pornographic videos on the internet for me already. I do not require a bespoke service. I'll mail you if I run out.
Today's message said "My pussy is so itchy, darling, please insert your shaft, darling." which must surely be the least sexy message anyone has ever sent about their sexual organs. Itchy? No thanks. Not til you've been to the doctors. An itchy pussy is not sexy (even the feline version is a tricky wank). You must try harder. Also one use of darling would put me off, as it sounds sarcastic and passive agressive, but two in the same sentence? You will not be using my shaft as a scratching post any time soon.
Back from Monmouth by lunchtime and was sitting in the lounge when I saw a man in a lorry outside taking away my black bin for recycling. I had recently requested a new blue crate for paper (as my old one had fallen apart cos I'd filled it with too many old programmes) but there was nothing wrong with my black bin. Was he a thief.
No, it turned out he was from the council and had just mistakenly thought I needed a new black bin - the wheels are a bit jammed, but it still worked OK. I told him I just needed the blue crate, but as he'd already given me a new black bin and taken the old one into his lorry, I agreed with him that that could do with replacing. Even better I had an empty black bin and he'd taken a half full one! I could get rid of more boxes of programmes. He then asked if I wanted a new food bin too. The handle had broken off mine, but of course I did. I got three new bins for the price of one and had valuable extra space for recycling. I don't think anything has made me happier in the last 20 years - and that includes getting married and having kids.
Imagine having a job where you have the power to give new bins to anyone you want. And have a lorry full of bins. He must be the richest man on the planet. If not in money then in bins. I kept telling Catie about the new bins and the fact that he'd also taken away a week's worth of recycling (it usually gets collected fortnightly) and I now had a week to fill up a WHOLE bin, but she didn't seem to appreciate what a monumental day this was.
If I hadn't happened to be home and happened to notice out of the window then sure, I'd have got a new black bin (that I hadn't asked for) and been confused about where the old one was gone, but wouldn't have a blue bin (that I needed) or a brown food bin (that I didn't really). It's not like I will really get to enjoy them - I have maybe ten more bin collections from this address left in me. It's not the point. NEW BINS. And extra recycling. Come on, you get it don't you? I should be married to you.
It was nice to see my wife and kids too I guess. But those bins. It's like all my Christmases came at once!
