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I hate my cat. I'd go as far to say that my cat is a cunt.
I don't have a problem with cats in general. Our other cat is basically OK. And though our previous cat Smithers was a fucking idiot, I didn't mind him. And I loved his sister Liono who was taken much too young and remains
the only living thing that I have watched die. The light went out in her eyes. It was the saddest thing. But one day it will happen to us all. Hopefully we won't have just been injected with death drugs by a vet, but there's no guarantee.
And to be fair, there are worse ways to go.
And before all of them, my cat Oscar, who we found badly burned in a bonfire on a November 6th in the early 70s when I was maybe 4 and who died the first time I went away from home when I was 18 (I'd like to say of a broken heart, but I think his liver packed in, so it was just a coincidence). I loved him.
So I am not anti-cat by any means, even though dogs are clearly better and Wolfie is not only the best pet I've ever had, but loves me more than any other creature or person that has ever lived and I am pretty close to feeling the same about her.
But Tabby (I think that's what he's called - I think he's a he - I hate him so much that I don't want to learn his name) is just a cunt. Like some people are cunts. Tabby is a cunt. Not all cats. Just Tabby.
Tabby is not a tabby cat - he's a ginger cat (I usually call him Ginger). We have a tabby cat, but she's called Chocolate. Our kids named the cats. But Ginger Tabby has got a mean face and cold eyes and he's horrible and vicious. This is perhaps his nature, but despite the bell around his neck, he is a killing machine. We have a family of returning pigeons who come to the garden to breed and he's killed most of them and got into the nest and got some babies too. I don't love pigeons, but that still seems sad. The pigeons keep coming back (the ones who aren't dead - well not yet). Their loyalty to their breeding ground trumps the grief they must feel at the loss of their family.
Anyway this morning I was up early, making breakfast for the kids before heading into London for a job and after a few minutes I spotted a dead mouse on the floor. Tabby was hanging around, crowing about his murder. This wasn't a mouse from inside the house. This was a mouse he'd killed outside and then brought inside. Like a cunt would do.
I hate dealing with dead creatures.
I still shiver thinking about the dead blackbird I had to remove from the attic when we arrived at this house. In a reversal of gender norms Catie is the one that deals with the carcasses usually. But she was still in bed and I couldn't leave a dead mouse on the floor, so thanks to Ginger Mccuntface I had to get a bit of kitchen roll and then pick this thing up. I'd hoped to get it to the outside bin, but after I'd failed a few times to find the mouse under the sheet of paper, I finally got it, felt its squidgy stomach, was afeared it would come to life and just threw it quickly in the kitchen bin. Absolutely horrible start to the day.
I hate that cunty cat. #notallcats.
I thought I wouldn't mind when Smithers died, but was pretty upset when I thought he'd been run over (though not too fussed when he actually carked it) but I actively want Tabby to die. Even though he's lovely and affectionate to Catie and the kids love him. I want him to die a painful death. And for his grave to say Ginger instead of Tabby.
Wait. Am I the cunt?
I had a really fun morning recording a bonus podcast episode for Euromillions in London with Sarel, a comedy star of Tik Tok who was very friendly and very funny and slightly shocked by some of the ways I said I'd spent £200 million if I won Euromillions. They'd told me to be as imaginative and crazy as possible, which was maybe a mistake from them. Do they even know me? I am not sure it will all make the cut - one of the things I said I wanted was a golden bejewelled false testcle which would be hidden away in my scrotum and no one would ever see. I'd prepared a few ideas, but ended up mostly ad-libbing and Sarel was a great person to bounce off. I hope it doesn't get edited down too much. It will be out on my podcast feed soon and even though it's sponsored, I think you will enjoy it more than most adverts! How you'd spend a ludicrous amount of money is actually a very good format for a podcast.
