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Craig from Niche Locks' keys arrived today. Sadly although they were the right length, they were too thin to fit into the lock. I needed a slightly bigger shaft and definitely a larger hole at the end, though I think the head was the right shape at least.. This is a serious subject so I will not be making a joke about that.
The quest to open my bureau must continue. If you think you can provide the Cinderella key then do get in touch. I'd still get my niche locks from Niche Locks because it's very decent of Craig to give it a go. But there is no getting away from the fact that he is a failure.
Perhaps not as much of a failure as the guy who locked his key in the bureau, but that's not what we're talking about here.
Craig advised me to get spare keys cut for the bureau, but the thing is I NEVER lock my bureau. It's a dumb thing to do because if you're burgled the burgler will just force the locks anyway (I'd ask a burgler to open it, but I don't think they'd do it delicately) and they generally smash the bureau to do so. I only locked the bureau so I could move it.
No one is more cursed than I.
I got a nice sign of how well my career is going today, when I was approached on Instagram to see if I'd be interested in appearing on the next series of Britain's Got Talent. I have nothing against the show or other comedians who go on there, but generally speaking they are people who have yet to have a TV career. I can't think of anything much sadder than going on that show after you've had a TV career. But also the method of contact is a bit insulting too. I have a manager (and it's easy to find out who I am represented by) so at least ask me via them
There's every chance that it's some very specific spam mail, but I don't think so. The person asking seems to be involved in the world of comedy and is followed by other comedians.
Even if I had any material that was suitable for BGT, I can't think that it would be anything but a horrible humiliation to go on the show. Having to be auditioned by David Walliams would be such a come down. I don't think he does it any more, due to reasons (though those reasons haven't stopped his successful children's books), but whoever is in the chair. It's OK to be judged by someone who doesn't know you. But a contemporary, that you started at the same time as? Ooooh.
Does Amanda Holden still do it? She used to come and see my shows in the 1990s (and I think might once have propositioned me at a BBC party, but typical for 1990s Richard Herring, I didn't realise that for about a decade - what a life I might have led!) The idea of her being supportive in the face of confusion from everyone else makes me feel sick.
I imagine that they might want me on as a result of my plucky battle against cancer and to spread the word about self-examination. But my involved routines about testicles and spunk might not fly with the audience. And Simon Cowell literally has no sense of humour.
If I was insane enough to take the chance I am absolutely certain to get buzzed off and probably kill off any career I might have left. The best that could happen is I do well, with TV friendly stuff and then sell out shows to audiences who find my live stuff a bit too much to cope with.
So I didn't reply. It's a total lose lose.
Do you think I should do it?
There's a bonus extra unpleasant blog on the substack today.
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