8001/20942
I can't get over what a total liability I am. Every day I seem to do damage to something expensive, whether computers or furniture of my own face.
Unbelievably today I wrecked another of the brand new tyres on my electric car (actually there's a 50/50 chance it was the one old one still on there, but it's the kind of 50/50 you should bet on because it HAS to be the new one). It wasn't really my fault and it was as the result of me trying to do the right thing, but as I drove into London for tonight's podcast record, the sat nav took me a different route than usual and as I passed Tufnell Park tube in heavy traffic there was the sound of a siren coming the other way. There was one of those ambulance cars coming the other way and I realised I'd over shot the place that I could duck into parked cars and was in danger of being in the way, so I quickly moved forwards and pulled in and found myself confronted by a high kerb poking out into the road (it was a bus stop or something) and hit it with a bit more force than I'd have liked. The car banged over the kerb and I held up a hand of apology to the ambulance driver, though there was no need for haste as he was immediately stuck because of the car behind me.
It had been a bit of a bump and I feared the tyre might have been damaged. Surely my luck couldn't be that bad. I hadn't been going that fast and we'd only just had one of the other new tyres replaced. Weirdly the tyres had been really on my mind all journey and I'd been a bit paranoid and checked them before I left and felt an odd sense of foreboding when I passed Kwik Fit.
And sure enough as I progressed up the road it was clear that something was wrong. The car bumped along and I pulled into the next side road and parked up and yes, I'd fucked another tyre. Has anyone damaged as many tyres as I have? And this one was as a result of me slightly hastily trying to get out of the way of an emergency vehicle. No good deed goes unpunished.
I was annoyed enough to swear loudly. I tried to pump it up with my portable pump in the hope I might be able to drive to a tyre place, but it was clear the thing was split. Now I had to work out how I would get to the gig and how I would get home? I really needed a wee and was hungry. I had planned to sit in Pret for a couple of hours doing a bit more prep for the show.
In hindsight I should have rung a mobile tyre company straight away. It was about 4.30 so there were 3 hours to the gig. But I tried the AA first and their guy arrived at 5.10pm. He didn't think we could get to a garage in time to get the tyres replaced, or at least we'd have to put on an emergency tyre and then head to east London to a 24 hour tyre place. I was working out the timings and knew that that wouldn't work for me. So the AA man rang a mobile tyre firm, but they were an hour away and maybe more given the time of day. I rolled that dice, but knew that the show must go on and I thought the best bet was to find someone else to sit with the car until help arrived so I could head into town. I'd wasted 40 minutes getting the AA man and a mobile tyre van had actually driven nearby as I waited (I don't think I could have flagged him down and he wouldn't have had the right tyre, but he might have got someone to me quicker.
At 6 I checked the progress of the man in the van and he said he was still 50 minutes away. Which would leave me missing the start of my gig for sure. Luckily Max from Avalon had agreed to come across and wait in the car and if he hadn't then I would certainly have been very lated for the show. As it was he got to me at about 6.40pm and I got down to the tube and was at the theatre at about 7. A bit later than usual, but in time for the show. I scoffed a quick Pret salad (that producer Ben had procured for me) said hello to Milton Jones and then it was more or less time to go.
I thought it would at least be a funny story for the start of the show, but I didn't wring much humour from it, still too flustered and mortified to find it funny.
Why can't I have nice things?
I realised I am the reverse King Midas - everything I touch, breaks. Which I suppose is better than it turning to shit.
Two great guests, a slightly smaller audience than I would have hoped, but good shows and Max brought back my key and my paperwork and the car was ready for me when I had to leave. Though in Tufnell Park.
And thanks to all this I discovered that you can now use your mobile on the tube, so it was all worth it.
My only bit of luck was that I was parked in a permit only parking space (though it became anyone's by 6.30pm) and I was sure that I'd also end up with a ticket. I was ready to plead emergency of course and I suspect that would have got me off. At about 5.30pm a traffic warden walked past, but he didn't even look at the car and just went on his way. So I at least saved £80 of whatever the fine is these days, though did have to pay £165 for the tyre and the man putting it on for me. You can't have everything.
I got home fine without breaking anything. Though to keep up the sitcom theme God had plunged the whole of Hitchin in to darkness with a massive power cut. The lights were back on when I got home, but then another power cut struck and everything went off. Only as I climbed the stairs by the light of my phone torch did everything spring back to life. It was like the 1970s all over again. Apparently my kids were terrified by the earlier black outs. These kids don't know they're born. All those 70s nights by candle light.
We put up Janey Godley's first appearance on RHLSTP as a small tribute today. I also paid tribute to her in tonight's podcast, but managed to also get laughs as I did so, which I know she would have wanted. She is by my reckoning the 8th RHLSTP guest to die, so it's a proper curse and I am plan to outlive all the fuckers who come on to this thing. Even if I have to kill them myself.
