Warming Up

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I have been fully back into the Zoe diet again for the last fortnight (I lost 10kg on this in three months last year, but then put it all back on gradually over the following 10 months where I failed to follow the advice), eating healthy food, mostly unprocessed (but not giving up my Soleros). The weight hasn't been dropping off as quickly as it did last year, but I am feeling a lot better for eating healthily. If you've read this blog for any lenght of time you will know that I am two people (you might call me Me1 and Me2), one of whom wants to be fit and healthy and one of whom wants to get all the chocolate in the world in his mouth at the same time. The healthy me is steering the ship right now and can see no way that he will veer off course, but the hedonist me is waiting behind an iceberg, ready to jump out, eat all the food in the ship's galley and then fuck the ship right in its iceberg hole.

It's exhausting having to share my body with these two idiots. Some twins are physically conjoined, I am connected to my via our souls. I said "our souls". But we do also share one bottom sadly. Maybe luckily because Me2 would be fucking Me1 up it all day every day otherwise.

If you don't want to spend the money, Zoe basically encourages you to avoid processed food, eat plants and fibre, avoid low quality fats and eat within a 12 hour window. You do blood and poop tests to find out which foods work best for you, but basically if you're eating plants and nuts and pulses you're OK.

The aim is to eat 30 different types of plant in a week. And the things that count as plants are vegetables, fruits, seeds, legumes, nuts, nut butters (not that type), Herbs and spices and grains that are high in fibre. I eat a big stir fry for breakfast most days, so it's pretty easy for me to hit the target of 30. In fact in the two days of this Zoe week I have already eaten 42 different plants (I'd better slow down or there will be none left for anyone else. Last week I ate 57 different plants. I bet you can't even name 57 plants, let alone eat them after you've named them. Well I can. And I did.

In an attempt to not look like the kind of nerd who uses an app with all their food and to satirise the low expectations of Ian Zoe, I have decided I am going to try and eat over 60 different plants this week. Twice the number I am advised to. Even if I have to eat squash laced with dragon-fruit and hemp seeds, I am fucking going to do it. That will show the Zoe app who is boss. The Zoe app warns you to increase your fibre intake gradually, but fuck the Zoe app. I've given up whisky, beer (all alcohol in fact), Dairy Milk, Pizza, crisps, being a whore and swearing, so the only pleasure I have left is CBD laced drinks and eating plants. So I am eating ALL the plants. I don't care if it's bad for me. It's likely very good for me. But I still don't care. Watch me eat them and if you don't enjoy it I am then going to list them all. And in all likelihood live forever and so I will be able to just keep listing them. You can't stop me.

Also you might want to stand up wind of me. Damn my leguminous butt!

When every other pleasure falls away, all that is left to you is brocolli.

It's either the greatest work of art ever created or the worst crime ever committed against a work of art, but parts of the original Me1 vs Me2 Snooker board are now up for sale on ebay. One day, surely, the world will recognise the genius and art of this project and it's your chance to own a part of that art, beautifully displayed on a wooden plinth. It's cost us a fair amount to get the board transported and the bits made and I am doubtful that we will raise enough to pay for that, but if we make any profit it will go towards making more podcasts (and repairing our broken computer). But it's more about the fans of this podcast having something tangible to own from it. If the snooker helped you get through lock-down or you've just listened and watched for the last decade and a half, then why not put in a bid?

And don't forget that on my ebay page you can still get hold of an upside down guest mug and the Taskmaster notebook.

Again, all profits to make more podcasts/entertainments.