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I see Russell Brand has prayed for peace between Israel and Palestine. Thank goodness that one has been sorted out at last.
If only someone had thought of that before. Sometimes it just takes a real Christian to get involved in something like this.
This charming advert appeared on my Twitter feed today, giving me a great gift idea for my wife. There's nothing more romantic than a message delivered on a mug and I think you should try out that ceramic canvass to deliver as many thoughts in as many fonts as humanly possible, using principally but not exclusively capital letters, so this is right up my street.
Forgive me for being so gauche as to uncapitalise it. Just imagine it's all shouted.
"To my wife" nothing more loving and personal than referring to your loved one in that way.
"I wish I could turn back the clock. I'd find you sooner and love you longer."
If I was going to buy this mug I would need to have more added here - after all changing the past can have huge repercussions on the future. If I had met Catie sooner then I might have had longer with her, or possibly the timing would have been off and we'd have broken up. Even had it been a successful earlier meeting I'd hate to think what the consequences would be for our current lives and for the planet earth. For starters we would definitely not have the children that we have now. Enough would have altered to make it impossible for the same gametes to meet at the same time. We might have different children, who doubtless we'd love the same or we might never have kids. But I can't get past the fact that this cup is condemning the kids we do have to never existing. It's certainly not the first thing that I want Catie to be thinking of every morning as she drinks her tea. Richard wishes our children had never existed.
Maybe the designer, trying to drag themselves out of this paradox of time decides to change the subject, but it doesn't go well.
"I MAY NOT BE YOUR FIRST DATE, Your first kiss or your first love...." (I felt I had to use the exact capitalisation here). Woah mate, no need to bring that up. "Sure you've been round the block a few times, let's stop thinking about the children whose existence we just snuffed out, but your previous failed relationships, whilst you may notice, not mentioning mine. There's only one whore on this cup.
"BUT I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR LAST EVERYTHING."
Again, I've left the capitals because this one comes with a heavy threat. It's unlikely, after all that we will die at the same time and statistics (and our relative ages and the guy organising our pension) suggest that I will die first. So what I am shouting from this cup now is that I am going to make sure that although other men messed about with you before I turned up, no one is going to do that once I am gone. I think the only way to read this is that when I sense my life is over, I will be taking you with me.
"I LOVE YOU Forever and Always LOVE, YOUR HUSBAND"
Weird that that comma is the only piece of punctuation and that I am seemingly reiterating my love a bit too much. not only using the word twice in this one sentence, but also tautologically using Forever and Always, capitalising both words for emphasis.
I might as well send her a cup saying
"YOUR NAME IS NOT IMPORTANT
I REGRET THE CHILDREN WE HAVE AND WISH THEY WERE OBLITERATED FROM EXISTENCE
YOU ARE A WHORE
WHO I SHALL KILL SO NO OTHER MAN CAN HAVE YOU
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, Forever, Always, Eternally, In Life and Death, there is no escape from my love
LOVE THE MAN WHO OWNS YOU - DON'T FORGET."
And then stick a picture of me holding on to you with you holding a cane, even though you're 13 years younger than me, so presumably I also hobbled you to prevent your escape.
I wonder what Catie would say if I give her either version for her birthday. There's only one way to find out.
Having foolishly retweeted this I then got lots of adverts from Propertee. I have undoubtedly fallen into their trap - let's create a product so awful that it gets lots of Retweets. I mean it's worked, it's got 76,000 views. But isn't that just 76,000 people who definitely won't buy anything made by the creators of this insane cup?
What if that's the only artefact that survives from human civilization?
The next cup expressed the exact same romantic sentiments, which suggests these have been tested out in the marketplace and are a winner, but this time the cup comes in. threatening black and red colours and shows the man leading the woman to a caravan. Perhaps they are on holiday but maybe this is where they live. There is at least a barbecue outside, though also a small fire, placed perilously close to the door, suggesting there is no heating in the caravan and that the plan is to go inside and die together in flames.
I suppose if one in a thousand people see these ads then they will sell over 100 mugs. And at £15.01 a mug you can see how that will add up. And there's free shipping if you spend over £63.22 and an 8% discount if you buy 2 items or a 25% discount if you buy 5.
I have not been paid by Propertee. Or Solero. I am in many ways an idiot.
Anyway surprise your wife with this terrifying, threatening mug.
