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It's been a devastating weekend for Ernie's milk teeth. He was already one top front tooth down and a couple of days ago the other one went, followed within hours by the one next to it. The Tooth Fairy, who I presume makes her money by giving hand jobs to goblins or goblin them (they had to get that name for some reason), has had to put in double shifts to cope with this tumbling of the mouth dominos.
And Ernie's adult teeth are pushing through, looking huge by comparison to his other tiny chompers and thus possibly about to change the whole nature of his appearance. It's a freaky system and it never ceases to amaze and disgust me. Seeing wobbly teeth being twisted around is the kind of thing that happens in nightmares, but also all children's mouths.
Today I wondered what the first creature this happened to made of the devastating occurrence. I wasn't sure if other animals even had milk teeth, but apparently most mammals do, but not elephants, kangaroos, or manatees. Why do they miss out? Presumably they attempted to impose trading tariffs on the fairy folk at some point in the past and the fairies told them to go fuck themselves. They don't need the teeth that badly. One hand-job/blow-job per tooth. No more. You have to know your limits.
So presumably some little prehistoric rat thing was the first to be part of this system of tooth replacement. Which makes me wonder whether up til then rodents had tiny teeth their whole lives or were born with adult teeth, looking like a baby gerbil version of Rob Beckett. Then some dirty rat comes along and his teeth start falling out and all the other furry young-sucklers started laughing at him - that's you fucked mate! Til hey presto, bang another set of teeth emerge and the joke's on the rest of the therians. Still not as big a surprise as the first one who decided not to lay an egg and keep their young inside. Boy, did they get the piss taken out of them to begin with. It was just like the first people to get a mobile phone. Now look at us - glued to our screens 24/7 and incubating our young in our wombs like it's going out of fashion.
I guess the tooth fairy thing does make the whole experience a bit less terrifying (as long as no one starts to question what a fairy is doing with all these useless tiny human teeth and why they will literally whore themselves out to get them) and Ernie is delighted by the missing bits of his pie-hole. Whereas if I woke up tomorrow with no front teeth I'd be freaking out. Kids do seem to take this weird development in their stride, but then we spend the rest of our lives dreaming about our teeth falling out, which suggests our subconscious isn't as cool with the idea.
It's so hard to imagine the kids being anything than they currently are. When they were babies I couldn't picture what they'd be like at 7 or 10 and yet somehow without me noticing anything change (apart from when bits fall off or out) they are 7 and 10 and I can't imagine what they will look like as teenagers or adults. Ernie is such a 7 year old, it's impossible to think of him with any other kind of vibe at all and judging by his dad the vibe might not actually change, though he will.
Catie transposed the height chart from the old house on to the wall of our kitchen today - having traced it all and bought carbon paper, which really brings home how these two have grown like magic beanstalks and I have slightly shrunk (apparently). It's not going to be long until I am the shortest person in this family. What will my children look like then? I can only see them as they are but with long thin Mr Tickle-like limbs.
Exciting RHLSTP guest news revealed in the badger and plusser secret area at
rhlstp.co.uk and for Paid subs on Substack. You might want to book for the April RHLSTP sooner rather than later, though I've given up predicting which guests you fucking pricks will pay to see, so you never know.
