8181/21101
Sad to see another Pope go and Francis seemed like quite a good one, but I can't help feeling a bit smug as
I warned the Catholic Church about this back in 2005 when I applied to be Pope. If they'd given me the job they'd already have had 20 years of uninterrupted poping, but because they keep going for old men they've had to go through about 10 popes or something (I can't be bothered to look it up, but it's definitely more than one), when they could have just had me doing it all this time.
I guess the Church's loss is podcasting's gain as I would probably have struggled to keep doing all my shows if I had to Pope as well, though if I was Pope I reckon I might have got a lot more downloads and I'd have been happy to share the extra revenue with the Vatican... and poor people. I'd have given some of it to the poor.
It's a big day for Pope Francis though as he gets to find out if he was right all along or just wasted his time. He really doubled down on Christianity and on the wine and bread literally turning into Jesus. Even if I was Pope I'd have hedged my bets a bit and done the odd sermon where I'd said, "This could be right or maybe it's Zeus or someone, but you know, I'll give my full support to which ever deity it turns out to be. And if there's no God at all, then I haven't lost anything, except making the most of the precious and fleeting gift of life. But no, I reckon we've all chosen the right one. There's so many of us and we all seem so sure. Can't be a coincidence."
Assuming Catholicism is the right one, which I have to say I think it is, just in case my letter gets into the possible pile this time, then this is a happy day. It's sort of what the whole thing has been leading up to. And Francis must be right at the front of the queue to meet Jesus today. Or would he feel he still had to queue? He doesn't want to get all - do you know who I am? but then again everyone else in the queue is a Catholic (I can't see God letting the Protestants in, when they got the bread thing so wrong) and they might feel a bit embarrassed to keep the Holy Pontiff waiting. Francis
would be all "No, no, I'll wait my turn" but he knows people will insist and he can still seem all humble.
I expect time works differently in Heaven, but it's a tough gig for Jesus, having to personally meet everyone who has made it into Heaven (I guess that's partly why they have so many rules to get in so they can keep the numbers down). How much time do you get to chat after a lifetime of devotion? It's hard enough dealing with the 30 or so people who queue up to meet me after gigs, so Christ knows how Christ manages with the hundreds of thousands of people arriving on a daily basis. Would he offend people if he moved them on too quickly, so they spend the rest of eternity saying how up himself he is?
If I was Jesus I'd set up some kind of hologram Jesus with AI in it, that can deal with all the basic questions that he's bound to be asked and is primed to say, "Well done on the direct debit to the donkey sanctuary. You know how much I love donkeys! (pause for laugh)" Would people feel cheated by a virtual Jesus? Only if they found out and how would they? Jesus put in 33 good years for us down on earth and made literally the ultimate sacrifice for us. He should get to enjoy Heaven rather than act as a greeter.
Maybe he can split himself into a billion different versions of himself and be everywhere at once, but I'd feel a bit cheated by having an infinitesimal fraction of my Lord. After a lifetime of praying and following all the rules I'd like at least a full hour with his full attention.
Maybe he'd want to meet a few of the bigger names - the Pope would get the real Jesus - and maybe if there was an actor from a show that Jesus really liked then he'd want to meet them for real. But would that actor be annoyed if the time with the Saviour was spent with him asking them about how a particular scene was shot or what William Shatner is like in real life? You'd have so many questions for Jesus. My main one would be, why was it so important for us to have blind faith without any evidence, because when anyone else insists on something like that it usually turns out to be a con? I've actually got a shit ton of questions. I can understand why Jesus has set up infinity virtual Jesuses to deal with this. It's a fucking nightmare for him. Yet look at him, without the self-awareness to ask actors the questions they get asked a thousand times a day. I guess none of us are perfect.
