I've had a bit of an irritating cold this week. It's not been enough to stop me in my tracks, but I've had a sore throat and a runny nose and today a bit of a headache.
I mentioned this to Andrew Collings as we waited for a record to finish so we could begin chatting about how Saddaam Hussein should be exectued (I thought burned on a bonfire in a joint Guy Fawkes thing - the people of Baghdad could do with some fireworks to liven up their uneventful, quiet lives - whilst Andrew felt he should be ripped apart by horses. Hanging is just a little bit dull). He told me I needed more Vitamin C. I have eaten little but vitamin C for the last two months, but I pretended to think he might be right, but being the man he is this was not just an idle suggestion, he had a big bottle of Vitamin C tablets with me. He gave me four. They were big brown capsules. He told me to take two then and two in an hour. "I'll overdose on Vitamin C and get the opposite of scurvy" I told him.
"You can't overdose on Vitamin C," he smugly responded, "It can't do you any harm, unless you're pregnant. And you're not pregnant are you?"
This would have been the perfect moment to tell him that I am actually carrying his child, but I am embarrassed by what happened a couple of months ago after a Banter recording and didn't want to bring that drunken night up again. I will cope with the child on my own and Andrew must never know it is his.
"No, no... I am not pregnant. Ha ha ha," I said. I think he believed me.
I swallowed the first two capsules with my tea, but it struck me later that I was just taking Collings's word for the fact they were Vitamin C. I hadn't seen the bottle properly and they were so big that they could have been horse tranquilisers or illegal class A drugs (he is a DJ, they are all on drugs). That might have been two ecstacies I had just eaten, or two delicious heroins. I had just trusted him, after only knowing him properly for three or four years. What if all his friendliness and support had just been leading up to getting me to trust him enough to take some pills that would literally bend my mind?
I suppose it was unlikely, but I was still sceptical that a big dose of Vitamin C would cure what ailed me. Have you seen how much mango and kiwi fruit salad I eat. I am practically made of Vitamin C. And I also suspicious of Collings and his nutty ideas about food. He also offered me a wheat free biscuit. I mean what's the point of that? Can you trust a man who thinks a biscuit is better if it doesn't have wheat in it? No you can't. Vitamin C? I ask you. Who needs it? Who's ever been harmed by not eating any vitamin C?
After the show I went to the gym. I wasn't convinced this was a good idea, but I don't want a little cold to stop my push towards relative thinness. I remembered to take the second lot of pills just before I started. I still didn't feel well which suggested that Collings's trust in the health giving power of vitamins was misplaced.
I started running on the running machine and my head was aching worse than ever. I thought it was unlikely that I would do more than about three minutes before giving up and going home. The jolting of my feet on the machine made my head throb more.
But about five minutes in my headache was gone. I was feeling a whole lot better. I managed to do a good 45 minute work out with no ill effects. Had the Vitamin C done its magic? Is Collings a New Age necromancer? Or in fact is running on a running machine the cure for a headache? Or is the trick actually to combine Vitamin C and running? There is no way of telling, but it's clear that one of these things is a partial cure for the common cold. It's an astonishing break through in medicine and I would plead with any doctors reading to follow through on my early research and conduct some trials.
Later I had a cold again and my head hurt, but in all probability I had just caught a different virus in the interim.
WIN A PSP
November quiz - Question 5
In 1993 I performed in a show called "Ra-Ra-Rasputin". Name the man who killed Rasputin and who is also responsible for films including that statement about any similarity between the characters and living people being coincidental etc.
Please wait until the end of the month before sending all 30 answers in together. Anyone sending answers individually will immediately invalidate their entry to the competition. Remember the prize will go to whoever has the most answers right. It is still worth entering even if you can't answer all the questions. There will be no additional clues.
