I was heading into town to see my Will Smith UK's show, "How To Be Cool." It was very good incidentally, but I do hope at least one person in the audience had come under the impression that they were going to see the other Will Smith. It's possible. When we did the "This Morning With Richard Not Judy" tour we did get the occasional middle aged couple who looked confused and were clearly waiting for the real Richard and Judy to appear (they usually left at half time after the Princess Diana routines we did).
I got to the Central Line to find that there were severe delays because of a person under a train at Bethnall Green. I assumed that this was a suicide and cursed the inconsiderate idiot who had slightly inconvenienced me with their final act of desperation. If you want to kill yourself then a) don't but b) if you ignore a) please try and do it in a way that won't inconvenience people. To be honest there is no way of doing it without inconveniencing someone (someone has to tidy up the mess or organise the search of the sea or whatever) so just go back to a). I've managed to think of one way you could do it. If you throw yourself into a volcano and make sure people see you do it, then probably no-one will be massively inconvenienced. But you might mentally scar any witness so ignore me. Don't kill yourself. It's ultimate self-indulgence.
I felt bad for thinking such things, especially given that there is a chance that the person under the train had accidentally fallen or been pushed, but what can I say? Inside I am a selfish and despicable person, just like you.
Anyway rather than chancing the tube and being late for the show I jumped on a bus bound for Piccadilly Circus. I had about half an hour to get there to be in time to meet my friend Dan who was coming with me and I estimated that I would get there in time.
But once we got to Oxford Street the traffic was terrible and the bus moving very slowly. I had to get to Leicester Square in twenty five minutes for the start of the show. I had to try and work out if I was better staying on the bus and hoping for the best or making my way on foot. It's quite some distance and the streets were packed with idiots trying to Christmas shop - why did they have to be in my way, the inconsiderate fools? Why couldn't they all go and jump under a train?
I wasn't even at Bond Street yet, there was no way I would get there if I walked, but I didn't want to miss the show. Dan had been slightly reluctant to come along and I had slightly press-ganged him, so it would be double rudeness if I had got him out of the house for a show that I then didn't get there in time for and which he wouldn't even be able to get his ticket for.
So I had to run.
I had meant to go for a run today anyway, but had procrastinated another day away, so I was, in a way, pleased to get some exercise. Though I would have preferred not to have been wearing my going out clothes, including a jacket and cardigan.
It was actually rather good fun running through crowded streets. It felt like I was in some kind of rom-com film, dashing through the Christmas crowds, trying to stop the woman I loved getting on a flight to America or marrying some posh idiot that she didn't really love. As it was I was going to go and see Will Smith with my friend Dan, which might not make for such a romantic film. But I could pretend I was the kind of person who had a girlfriend just for the moment. Or maybe I was a criminal escaping some heist or other or a spy running from assasins or an assasin running after a spy. It was fun anyway. I had to skip and jump and dodge people. I had to go out into the road to get round, but I knew I had to keep running because time was ticking away.
It's lucky I've been keeping fit as I had to put on a fair spurt of pace and there was no way I could stop and walk.
I managed to make it depsite Christmas idiots and traffic in under twenty minutes, giving me five minutes to catch my breath and pick up the tickets and have a drink. And to hold Dan in my arms, kiss him and tell him not to go to America because I wanted to marry him. He compromised by agreeing not to go to America, but said he was not ready for such a commitment and could I stop holding on to him as I was a bit sweaty. Some people have no notion of romance at all.
