It's been a pretty full on week and I've been working and playing hard so I was quite pleased to have nothing at all on today. And I decided to keep it that way, managing to stay in bed until an impressive 1pm and then scarcely moving from in front of the telly and the computer for the rest of the day.
Usually I would feel bad for wasting time like this, but it was nice to have an oasis of quiet solitude in this hectic Christmas season. Alas a couple of weeks of overindulgence has taken its toll and I have put on a bit of weight, and am some way from my target of 80kg by the end of the year (not that that was ever very realistic). But I am planning on taking it relatively easy next week and can get back down the gym and at least keep things on an even balance. As long as I don't go too crazy with the celebrating the birth of Jesus by stuffing my face and getting pissed, which is, as we all know, what he really wanted. Even when he died he wanted us to stuff our face with chocolate. I wonder what the obesity levels would be like in the Western world had Jesus never existed. I think most of it is down to him. He was so obsessed with fattening us up he even invites us to eat him. I wonder if this was his plan all along. Maybe he hates us and wants us all to eat and drink ourselves to death. It turns out that Jesus is actually a prophet of Islam too. Maybe he was a kind of double agent, setting up this fake religion in order to get us all eating too much and then two thousand years later his lean and fit Muslim followers could take us all on and destroy us. Very clever Jesus. Your trick has worked.
I have always contended that I would be killed by drink or a woman, possibly in some sort of combination when a woman hits me over the head with a whisky bottle.
I was thinking today about an Edinburgh a few years back (probably 2002) when I was sharing with Chris Addison. On the first day I said to him, "Please keep me away from biscuits and actresses". Both things have always been bad for me, but I seem to find it almostimpossible to resist them both. An actress with a biscuit is essentially Kryptonite to me, making Kit-Kat adverts involving female performers my pornography.
And just as there must be some healthy biscuits out there somewhere, I am sure there must be some actresses who aren't crazy and dangerous and ultimately very, very bad for me but then who would want to eat a healthy biscuit.
And I started wondering if there was a book in it. Could I write a book called "Biscuits and Actresses" containing stories about my twin obsessions? I've certainly got enough crazy tales about the latter - how about me having a joke shrine to one of them in my old TV show, who I later end up dating for two years? And if biscuits represent all food then surely there are enough true tales of greed to keep people entertained.
Gluttony and Lust are my top two deadly sins. Alas as today proves number three is sloth, which means I will probably be too lazy to ever get round to writing such a tome.
But I think the world is crying out for a work that combines these two themes.
While dicking around on the internet tonight, I found this
old Lee and Herring clip which made me laugh more than I have for quite some time. Kevin Eldon is, it has to be said, a genius. Whilst the rest of you were enjoying a Christmas Saturday I was at home watching myself from ten years ago on a computer. I hope you can bear that tragedy. But I was very happy about it. At least if I stay locked in my house I can not be tempted by a biscuit or an actress.
Unless one texts me.
But then how many biscuits can use mobile phones?
