In the end I had to go down to the location today to be interviewed about the show. But it was a pleasant chat and I got another free lunch, so I don't mind. Plus I got to see Tony Bignell one more time - it was his last day of filming today. He's just heard he's got another job, in which he plays a geek who gets a blow job from Tracey Beaker - not actually Tracey Beaker, but the actress who plays her on telly. He didn't even have to write it or anything. I am 39 and I have only just filmed my first televised blow job and that only happened because I was able to control what happens. Bignell is only 17 and is already getting fictionally sucked off by fictional characters from children's television. The jammy bastard. Not that I want to be sucked off by Tracey Beaker... and anyone who says I do is lying.
Tony is an amusing young man, very occasionally purposefully, but mostly by accident. In his scene today the family dog was called on to bark. The dog trainer was saying "Speak! Speak!" but the dog was not playing ball. Eventually Tony said, "Why don't you just say 'Bark'?"
It was good that he thought the dog was simply confused and that he thought he knew better than the man who had trained the dog in the first place. Like the dog was looking at the trainer thinking, "What does he mean, "Speak"? I am a dog and incapable of speech. All I can do is bark and I will wait until I am asked to do that before I comply. Even though I obviously can't understand actual words, because I am a dog."
I will miss Tony Bignell. I suspect he may turn up again like a bad penny. I might try and play tennis against him - because although I could never defeat my actual youngest nephew, maybe defeating my fictional youngest nephew will be enough.
The rest of the day was spent at the gym, in a futile attempt to look better in the bath on Friday and doing various bits of admin at home. I emailed all my friends about my
tour and London run in the hope that I could shift a few tickets. The Arts Theatre is a big place and at the moment it looks like it might be pretty empty. I hope it won't literally be a menage a un. Please go and buy some tickets right now to make things look a little less desperate. You don't even have to come. If you are an eccentric millionaire, why not buy all the tickets to every night and then don't use any of them and I will be forced to perform to just myself. Which is pretty much what is going to happen, except that I won't make any money as things stand!
In better news the
Hercules DVD has sold over 300 copies already, which is a great start. So don't put off buying it for too long or they might all be gone.
In less self-promotional news I also signed up a book on the excellent
Book Crossing website. Basically the idea is that you register a book, and then leave it somewhere for someone else to find and if they put all the details up on the site, you can keep track of where it goes next. Then once it's read the person releases the book again and potentially it goes on to travel the world, being read by whoever chances across it.
That's the theory.
I am releasing "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck. It's really good. Look out for it.
