The seal on my washing machine is leaking. It's been like that for over a month, but I've been too busy to wait in at home for a repair man, and have found that it's OK if I leave a towel on the floor to mop up the leakikng water.
But yesterday in an attempt to get my affairs into order I looked through the Yellow Pages and found a company that dealt with my brand of washing machine (I went for a Siemens washing machine as I felt it was apt because that was what it would largely be employed to wash off - it's one of the occupational hazards of all that fellating I do).
I had had plans to go to the library in the afternoon to start work on the second episode of Double Act (which I am supposed to finish by the end of the month - yeah, likely), so had been delighted when the man on the phone had said, "I only have one gap for tomorrow, at 11.30".
I hadn't expected a specific time.
"Perfick" I thought to myself. It means perfect.
I went swimming early so I could get everything done, and got back at 11.15. Everything was on course.
Except that the man hadn't turned up at 11.30. I would have been surprised if he had. But when he wasn't here by 1, I started to feel a bit annoyed.
I rang the number again to be greeted by an answer phone. I left a message enquiring as to where he might be, explaining that I had been planning to go out shortly.
About fifteen minutes later he rang me back.
"I didn't say I'd be round at 11.30," he argued, "I said any time after 11.30."
That wasn't actually the case. He has said he had a slot at 11.30. One could assume from that that he had a certain number of jobs and that I was maybe the third or foruth one of the day.
"I'll be round in maybe an hour," he told me, before asking for my address which I'd already given him yesterday, which didn't really fill me with hope.
Why had he lied to me?
A student was interviewing me at 6pm tonight for her coursework. Because I thought I'd be working there I had arranged to meet her at the British Library, but thanks to the errant washing machine mender I found myself still at home waiting for him at 5pm, which was a long hour by anybody's measurement. He hadn't called back to apologise or explain, and I didn't feel it was worth ringing him to explain that I was going out because I felt five and a half hours late wasn't exactly reasonable. I don't think he cared. I think he'd decided not to come at all. I wish he'd told me. Because it will be hard to find a slot this week to get someone else in, especially if by 11.30 on Tuesday, they mean some time on Wednesday.
It had all been going so well, but I wasted the afternoon thanks to this man. It was nothing to do with me. It's not like I could have done my work at home while I was waiting. Ah well.
On the way out I passed a shop with a sign saying "Shoplifters will be Prosecuted" in the window. My mind skipped a bit and I found myself wondering if shoplifting would be reduced if the threat was actually "Shoplifters will be Prostituted". In a way wouldn't that be a fairer system? If you are caught stealing from a shop, the shopkeeper than has the right to hire you out for sexual services until you have earned the sum equal to the amount of merchandise you have purloined. I quite liked the system. It would probably be easier for attractive people to raise the money required, but I think the prospect of being forced to have sex with seedy men (or women) might make shoplifters think twice before they stole stuff that didn't belong to them. It would be harder for ugly people to make back the money required and they might have to perform very unpleasant sex acts in order to raise the requisite sum, whilst attractive people would probably be able to raise five or ten pounds relatively easily.
Of course some people might get off on the idea of being prostituted out by a newsagent or grocery shop manager and that might be the fatal flaw in the system, meaning more stuff actually got stolen (the system would really be preventative, assuming that most people would rather pay than risk having to suck off a tramp), but the thing is that people who got off on the idea would want to be caught and thus the shopkeepers would not lose any takings as they would make all the money back for the stolen items, by the prostitution.
And really only serious shoplifters would have to do anything more than a hand job, which has a market value of about £15 (I am guessing), so only the worst and ugliest criminals would be subjected to anal sex or water sports.
I think it's a good system. The only major worry is that most shoplifters are probably schoolchildren and so it might lead to some rather unsavoury scenarios, but at least it would nail into children's heads how wrong shoplifting is.
I hope some businesses will consider my alterative wording and can't imagine that they will be troubled by the authorities if they implement the idea.
And just because I have done some shoplifting in my time does not mean that I have suggested this idea because I am one of the people who would get off on the idea of being punished by tossing off a businessman. My Sieman machine isn't working well enough to cope with the laundry.
And if you live in South West London and want your washing machine mended at an appointed time then don't use
these guys.
