I am going back to Cheddar tomorrow for my mum's birthday. I am too discreet to reveal her age, though you might like to go and see her Edinburgh show "Oh Shit, I'm 70!" It promises to be excellent, though perhaps too concerned with caravanning for most people's tastes.
I was going to go into town yesterday to buy her a present, but figured that things would be a bit snarled up down there and also was quite enjoying having my limbs and head attached to my body. So as I was meeting a friend in Richmond this evening decided to come down in the afternoon and look through the posh shops for a suitable gift.
But by the time I had got back from Worksop and waited for tubes I wasn't in the posh borough until 4.30pm. This still gave me an hour to find a present, but would that be long enough? And what was I going to get her?
I had hoped that if I just trudged around a few shops then I would just see something that leapt out at me as the obvious choice. But trudging and looking didn't seem to be working. What do you get for the more mature woman? What is my mum interested in? What does she like? I had absolutely no idea. But I didn't want to go home empty-handed, even if I didn't get her her main present now. It was pissing down with rain and my trousers were dragging through puddles and I was no nearer finding something she'd like - or something that a 40 year old man would guess that a 70 year old woman would like. I suspect she might well have been going through something similar, but in reverse in some South West shopping arcade.
I was really trying hard and really suffering and I sort of wondered that if I maybe just let her know how hard I had tried, perhaps by writing about my travails in a blog that I know she reads, that that would be enough to make her feel happy, even if I didn't actually spend any money. At least she would know I had made an effort.
Then I thought about it again and realised that one hour of walking around in slight discomfort doesn't really count for much when compared to seven decades of life. Perhaps she would have been more impressed if I had been looking for a gift for a couple of months (given that the date of her birth was not exactly a surprise to me) rather than leaving it to the last possible moment. Maybe she would have felt more loved if I had ever actually talked to her about what she was interested in and tried to remember the kind of thing she might enjoy or covet.
Then I looked in a window and saw a beautiful broach made out of diamonds and emeralds. She might like that, I thought. Then I saw that it cost £4000 and realised that I could only really give her that if I left the price on, and said it counted for her next 200 birthdays and Christmases combined. And though she's a fit enough lady for her age, I am not convinced that she will deliver her half of the bargain on that one.
It came to 5.30pm and I decided it would be better to wait and get her something she really wanted rather than rush into spending £4000 right now, even though I could hear her in my mind saying that she would really like that antique broach.
I'll probably get her something from the service station on the way down tomorrow.
I am the best son in the world.
At least I do have the best mum in the world. (I am hoping that will be enough to appease her temporarily, but to be honest I still haven't got her anything for mother's day, so I am in big trouble).
But if any of you have any idea what 70 year old women are interested in and would like for their birthday, try and let me know before tomorrow.
