With nine days to go to Christmas I have done absolutely nothing to prepare. Not that I have to do very much, as my family do all the tough stuff like organising the dinner and decorations and stuff. I just have to buy some presents and make sure there is petrol in my car and then go to Cheddar. One day I should have them all over to mine and cook for them. As long as they don't mind having M&S microwaveable meals. And don't mind microwaving them themselves.
But I haven't done anything on my short Christmas list yet, nor did I do anything today except watch TV and play internet poker. That's what Sundays are for. Check the Bible. That's what God did on his rest day.
But I resent Christmas a bit. It comes round too quickly, mainly because these days it seems to last two months. But I can't believe it's nearly a year since
I hosted the Christmas Eve Andrew Collings show. Time is passing way too fast and Christmases coming right on top of each other so they are meaningless. I think we should only celebrate Christmas once every two years - then it would be more special when it came round. I really think it should be once every five years, but I don't think I will get many supporters for that, so I will start with the two year idea, get that implemented and then push onwards to my five year plan. Before finally declaring Christmas illegal. But that's all for when I am President of Earth. For the moment we need not concern ourselves with that.
Though some may say, "Think of the children. Or the shopkeepers. Or the pantomime dwarves," I still don't think my Christmas every two years idea is bad or Scrooge-like. The World Cup and the Olympics are every four years and that gives them a special sense of occasion. And the World Cup and Olympics don't even have a load of songs that are associated with them and thus played everywhere you go for six weeks, like Christmas does.
I think if Christmas was only heralded on the actual week I might be able to stomach it once a year, but it is turning into this long festival and it's a celebration of shopping and not the baby Jesus, who I love and wish to venerate. The baby Jesus would be spinning in its grave if only it could have foreseen what would become of His birthday. You might say, "Well he must have foreseen it - he is God", but I say in that case, when the three kings arrived with presents, why didn't the baby Jesus shoot them all to bits with lasers from His eyes, saying in an unearthly voice, "NO! MY BIRTHDAY MUST NOT BE COMMERCIALISED!" Because he could have done that. He was God. And I think that all the capitalists trying to make money out of this Holy event have a strong argument to say that it is what Jesus must have wanted, otherwise why no eye-lasers? The baby Jesus only has Itself to blame - I am glad they nailed the baby Jesus up to that tree.
A year is such a short time, especially when you are my age and becomes predictable and samey and tedious enough without having to do the something once every twelve months. Please join my campaign to make Christmas a once-every-two-years event (and also let me know what the word is for once every two years - bi-annual means twice every year, doesn't it?) and ultimately if you follow me, Christmas will be destroyed, along with anything else that might bring pleasure to any other human being.
