Headed back to Cheddar today, giving my old mucker Phil Fry a lift back. A light I didn't understand was flashing on my dash board and the engine was shuddering a bit, but we made it OK. The roads were pretty clear.
We stopped at a service station for lunch and I saw Father Christmas with his wife in Marks and Spencers. He was in his civvies and not drawing attention to himself, but his big white beard and fat tummy were unmistakeable. He was also speaking what appeared to be some kind of Laplandish language, so I knew it was him, though thought it was pretty casual of him to be out shopping for a sandwich on the M4 on such an important day for him. I know he has to eat, but still, he should be really be checking his list for the second time by now and deciding who has been good enough to receive presents. Though what ethical system he operates by is unclear to me. I seem to get the same number of presents regardless whether I have been naughty or nice. And what moral yardstick is he using? For example to some people homosexuality is naughty, but to others it is nice. What does Santa think? If I have sucked off a man this year (and I am not saying that I have) then do I still get rewarded. Over the course of a year most of us will have been a mixture of naughty and nice. I think Santa just gives presents regardless. He likes to hold the threat over us, but ultimately he is weak.
Perhaps this was just a Scandanavian man who happened to resemble Papa Snow.
Phil Fry wondered how the man would react, if, as must happen to him a lot this time of year, we went up to him and said "Hello Santa!" Would he laugh and acknowledge us, pretending he was the real Santa (and maybe he was)? Or would he scowl and tell us to piss off (in Laplandish), perhaps punching us in the face? I thought that if Phil did it he would probably punch him, but he might act more kindly to a child. If I had a big white beard I think I might shave it off at this time of year to avoid the inevitable attention. To walk around like that is just attention seeking. Loads of men even put on the Santa suits. You see them in shops and out on the street. It's sad.
As we sat eating our lunch I spotted at least two other men who could be potential santas in civvies. I began to suspect them of sporting these white beards in an attempt to lure children towards them. It's the perfect look for the paedo. And though most of these men are probably innocent, some of them are surely guilty of naughty thoughts (depending on your moral yardstick), so to be safe and to protect our kids I think that at this time of year we should legally be able to attack any fat, old men with white beards, especially if they are all dressed in red and giving out presents. Unless they can prove they are the actual Santa, cos there is nothing suspect about him, coming down the chimneys of every child in the world and emptying his sack in their bedrooms.
Happy Christmas.
