Happy Christmas everyone. Hope you got through the day OK, without too many Eastenders style incidents. Personally it was a bit of a disaster - my wife realised that I had been having an affair with my teenage daughter-in-law and then I accidentally pushed her down the stairs and it looked like I might have killed her... oh no, hold on that was Eastenders. Luckily my wife didn't find out about the affair. And so it goes on.
My nephew was given a Playstation 3 for Christmas so I spent a significant portion of the day pretending I was in the army and trying to shoot any other soldiers I came across - no hold on, that was real life, I joined the army and shot at some people- no, hold on, it was just on the Playstation. Due to the wonders of technology I was able to shoot at soldiers who were controlled by other living humans, via an internet connection. I guess that my opponents were mainly 13 year old boys, but despite the advantage of age and wisdom I proved to be very poor at the game, continuously providing easy pikcings, whilst hardly killing anyone myself. On the rare occasion that someone flung themselves onto one of my bullets I have to say it was a very pleasurable experience. I had no idea that stat sanctioned murder would be such fun and would willingly join up for the real army, were it not for the fact that in real life, when you get shot, you don't just regenerate somewhere else. As soon as they sort that out though I am on board and on my way to Iraq! Or probably by then, Iran. Wherever, as long as I am killing people I don't care about their nationality. There is no racism in my bloodlust. I will happily shoot British soldiers, though of course will have to join the American army to have a good shot at that. Ha ha ha, some Christmas Day satire.
After all the festivities were over, the family tensions successfully papered over this year so far, I headed back to my sister's house, where I am once again sleeping. Spookily, as with two years ago, when I retired to the bathroom for my night time ablusions,
as with two years ago to the very second , I discovered one of the family cats in the bath trying to get some water. Again, I assisted it by turning the tap on gently. This has not happened on any other night that I have been in this house, except for Christmas, which makes me even more convinced that it is a Christmas miracle (and makes up for the total failure of you lot to get on board and buy 40,000 DVDs - I am assuming, haven't been able to check the site, so you never know). Hopefully in time if enough of you spread the word, the story of the kindly, fat, shitting man and the thirsty Christmas cat will become part of the annual tradition. I found it slightly spooky that the whole thing had been repeated, and am now a bit freaked out. It's more terrifying than Dickens' four ghosts (I am including Jacob Marley, you ignorant fools!). But it's good to help someone weaker and with less hands than myself at this time of year and I hope the cat has camel-like properties, as clearly no-one in my sister's family ever gives it any moisture.
Murder and defecation. It's what Christmas is about.
