Days without alcohol 9
I was in the bank today getting a new mortgage. With a bit of spare cash I have finally followed the advice of many and decided to get an off set mortgage. I think to go into details would be boring even for this new sober blog, but basically any money in your account, instead of accruing interest, is taken against your mortgage so you don't have to pay interest on that bit (Clearly accountancy is not my strong point - I hope you get the gist). Having had tax money sitting in my account for months I only regretted not doing this a year ago when I first thought of it.
Of course, one has to answer loads of questions and I was put on the phone to do this. Eventually the woman got round to trying to sell me various forms of insurance. What if I got ill, how would I pay? I told her that I don't really ever get that ill and that in any case I can pretty much work through most things - it's certainly never been an issue thus far. But what if I was incapacitated in hospital? I replied that if things got that bad I would probably sell my house. I really didn't want to get insurance for this. I like a gamble.
Then she asked if I had life assurance. I said that I didn't, but that there was no need as I had no dependents. "Who would you leave your house to?" she asked. "Probably my parents," I told her.
"But they'd have to pay off your mortgage?"
"Well I think they'd probably just sell the house," I reasoned. They don't need it and it's probably three quarters paid for now, so they'd definitely not be losing out.
"You'd want to put them through all that? How do you think they'd feel about that?"
"I think they'd be more upset that I was dead to be honest," I replied. Then I thought about it, "They'd be delighted, I'm sure. They'd be getting loads of money for free. They'd probably prefer it if I did die! Maybe in five or so years when I've paid off more."
The woman laughed, "I forgot, you're a comedian," she said.
So I managed to avoid the extra charges and the complicated process of switching lenders has begun.
When I got home I had an email from my accountant responding to an earlier query as to how much tax I would be paying at the end of the month. It turned out to be almost double what I was anticipating. Luckily I have just about enough to cover it - only scarcely - but it was a bit of a jolt. And it made my off set mortgage practically redundant in the short term.
It's a good job I have given up drinking. I think for a couple of months I might have to give up eating as well and just stay in staring at the wall (which is free - unless old Tony Blairs decides to tax that as well. Politics isn't my strong point either).
It's probably a good shock to have. I have been thinking that I have a nice buffer zone of cash to keep me going and have been living the life of Riley. But as I was told today my home is at risk if I do not keep up payments, and there's nothing like blind fear as an incentive to get working, so maybe I will be getting my sit-com written sooner, rather than later.
It's rather unsettling to go from feeling financially secure to a bit frightened in the course of two hours, and my fates are once again in the hands of TV executives. But I don't think I will be thrown out on the streets yet, though I'd better not get ill.
Dying might be an option. That's what my mum and dad are hoping for and who can blame them? I wouldn't be surprised if they tried to murder me. Which is why just as I am about to die I am going to burn my house down. And the insurance won't pay for it, because it will obviously be deliberate. And they will inherit my debt! Ha ha, bad luck mum and dad. I win again!
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Go Faster Stripe . I promise to spend your money wisely and not blow it on luxury goods and cocaines. Please. I need this!
