Days Without Alcohol - 22
I continue to work through the first six months of Warming Up, with the view to publishing it at some point. As I may have said I am adding little comments and updates, as well as some of the behind the scenes goings on that seemed too personal to write about at the time, but with five years distance seem all right to discuss (well mainly, some bits might be a bit too much information, but we'll see).
It's interesting going back over it and being able to sarcastically comment on my own stupidity or predictability, as well as slightly disconcerting that all my concerns are the same and I've actually moved on very little. I totally have the ability to be able to determine where I was a twat five years ago, but very little skill at being able to ascertain that now. In five years time I will totally be able to tell you where I am going wrong, but for the moment stagger on blindly, not knowing a good decision from a bad one.
This whole process of retrospective self-mockery reminded me of my very first diary. When I was 8 I was given a Disney diary, which I filled in every day and I have to be honest, it wasn't very interesting. I would mainly list what subjects we had studied at school, which meant that, due to there being a timetable, one week's entries were more or less identical to the next. Even though there was only space for maybe forty or fifty words, some days I still struggled to think of anything to write. And there were a fair few entries saying, "I did nothing today" (which is something I often wish I could do on Warming Up, because there are still so many days that feel like that - back then I didn't have so many past experiences to draw upon and write about to fill the void).
Anyway, about five years later I remember going through the diary and mocking my lack of imagination, essentially acting as a teacher, passing comment on each entry with such sarcastic remarks as "Really, how very interesting?" or "You did nothing? Surely you must have done something, even if it was just breathing." The sophisticated 13 year old me, satirised the stupid 8 year old me, without the self-knowledge to realise that the 18 year old me would look back at those comments with a more world-weary eye and be able to pull them apart in turn.
But this is almost exactly what I find myself doing now - five years on, correcting my mistakes, trying to work out where my relationship went wrong, with hindsight able to spot where I screwed things up, even though I thought I was so correct at the time.
And even now I have no concept of the fact that in 2013 I will read back over this entry, merrily chuckling to myself about how stupid I used to be and ruing the many mistakes I am surely making now in my life without even knowing it. Life is a cruel trick, but nevertheless a diverting one. I am enjoying mocking the 35 year old me as much as the 13 year old me, delighted in picking apart the 8 year old me. But probably the uncynical and literal 8 year old me will turn out to have got closest to the right attitude for living. I guess I will only fully realise that on my deathbed and then chuckle at the irony before breathing my last.
Then five years later, my bones in my grave will realise how trite I had been to think that. And so the pantomime will continue.
I am compering a charity gig in a couple of weeks with a terrific line up, so thought I would let you know about it so you can buy your tickets before they're all gone! Hurry up and buy them now!
STANDING UP FOR SCENE & HEARD on MONDAY 4TH FEBRUARY at 8.00pm
The line up includes:
Stephen Merchant
Richard Herring
Mark Allen
Justin Edwards
Pappyâs Fun club
All proceeds go to
Scene & Heard and tickets are a snip at £15.00.
They can be purchased in person from the Comedy Store box office or via
their website
Alternatively you can book with Ticketmaster on 0844 8471728
