Being a removal man is a tough job. I would imagine that there arenÂ’t many removal men who are also members of a gym. Their job is essentially a weights machine crossed with a step machine. It would be a busmanÂ’s holiday.
The pay isnÂ’t all that good, but what you save on gym membership makes removal men the richest people in the world. Plus unlike most people who are members of gyms they also get regular exercise.
It was hard knowing which firm of removals men to pick, cos they donÂ’t have a picture in the Yellow Pages. I went for the one whose voice I liked the sound of best.
They turned out to be a bit of a ragbag, a young lad who liked to smoke, an older fella, the boss (the only one who looked like he was fit, who ironically did the least lifting) and a slightly weird one who assembled stuff that had had to be dismantled and if they were to make a film of his life (unlikely, even if they called it “The Dismantler”. Those drawn in by the title would be disappointed by the content of the film, which would involve some dismantling, a drive and then some mantling), he would be played by Steve Buscemi in a grey wig (partly because that's what he looked like and partly cos Buscemi will do any old shit these days).
It was a clammy day in West London and I got exhausted carrying a few relatively light items up one set of stairs. When the removal men came to lift my widescreen TV up to the second landing, I thought one of the older one was going to die.
Luckily he didn’t, because I don’t think his mates would have been prepared to act as bearers at his funeral. “More lifting stuff and carrying it around? No thanks, we do that all day.”
If I was a removal man I would insist that my work-mates did the honours at my funeral, but then, just for fun, I would buy a plot for my grave which was on the roof of the tallest building in town. All those stairs!
Of course the climb would probably kill a few more of the removal men and more men would have to be drafted in to lift my coffin, as well as the coffins of the other removal men (who, with foresight, I would also have purchased plots for, also at the top of the tall building – I am aware it would cost a lot, not least because there aren’t many buildings that would devote a floor to the carcasses of the dead, but every building manager has his price)
Eventually nearly every removal man in the country would be dead, but I tell you my friends, whichever removal men were still standing at the end of all that, they would be the ones to employ for your move.
I think I might institute such a test next time I move and award the contract accordingly. Not that IÂ’ll have to die first. I will fill the coffin with a couple of widescreen TVs. That should sort the men out from the smoking boys.
