My Amnesty David Beckham spoof photo made it into the Daily Express today. My recognition factor amongst Daily Express readers has recently risen infinity per cent from no recognition to one old man thinking he might know who I am. It's almost like the Daily Express has some secret access to my most personal thoughts and what I have been up to. I will have to look into what source is giving me away. If I ever find out who is spilling the beans I will have them killed.
The photo was placed directly next to the original ensuring that I do not come well out of the comparison. Whilst Beckham's genitals look like they have been over-inflated with a bicycle pump, my posing pouch looks like a child's gym bag with just a single sock in the bottom. Which is ironic because I actually had about ten socks stuck down there.
Luckily my horrible naked body distracts from the embarrassment of my shriveled genitalia. At least I didn't go the Beckham route and get some lacky to use a bicycle pump to artificially inflate my entire pubis.
And be honest ladies, who would you rather be spending the night with? Beckham with his perfect muscles, hairless torso and massive permanently erect penis? Or me, with my flabby stomach, body hair and acorn winkie?
All right, there's no need to be honest.
We talk about me being in the news (again) in the latest
podcast. I had rushed out to buy the Express still wearing my moccasin slippers (given to me for Christmas by my dying sister), which greatly amused Collings. Because he is so cool, he would never go out looking like an idiot, by wearing something stupid like, I don't know, three quarter length shorts and some little girl's socks.
For the photo for the podcast we decided we'd keep our clothes on and we recreated
this picture of Jacob Hunter-Lamb and his mum who we had talked about minutes earlier. Given there were only two of us in the room (and I had a broken rib and didn't want to kill myself) it's quite an impressive shot. Look at me. I am actually flying above the sofa. It was really hard as I had to time the jump with the internal camera of Collings's computer. It reminded me of being a kid and having a family shot taken using the timer function on my dad's camera. Except this time my dad wasn't rushing back to try and join the pose before the camera clicked and we weren't then left holding our pose with rictus grins as we all waited for the photo to be taken, and then just when dad had decided it wasn't working and had started returning to the camera it had gone off, taking a nice picture of his jumper. And I can't remember ever pretending to be a small boy pretending to be superman whilst a man pretended to be my mum pretending to be on the phone to M & S back in the seventies. But it must have happened. Everything's been done before.
I was proud to note that Jacob Hunter-Lamb fills his superman pants even less impressively than me. So at least I have larger genitalia than a 7 year old boy. And be honest ladies, who would you rather be with? A small child dressed in a superman costume with pretend muscles under his shirt jumping off a sofa, or a grown man wearing his slippers jumping off a sofa?
Why do you have to be so honest?
Now don't tell the Daily Express about me comparing my genitals to those of a child. I could get into all kinds of trouble.
Please check out
The amnesty website. Photo of me in my pants by Dave Tuck.
