I had been up late doing a gig and then writing links for the first two episodes of my forthcoming Radio 4 documentary "Bad Habits". And I had to get up early to record podcast 34 with Andrew Collings. This week hasn't been quite as busy as last, but it is still quite knackering. But somehow I was in fairly good form. In fact I think this is the best podcast we've done for quite a while. I wasn't hallucinating through tiredness, or belching bilious gas or drunk and it all rocked along quite nicely. There is no guarantee of quality with these things, as we are, as I feel I have to remind some of you, making the whole thing up every single week. There is no prep to speak of and none of the stuff is scripted beforehand (in case you didn't realise) and we've done nearly a day and a half of this shit.
I did discuss a new theory I have been pondering recently about how women could be doing a lot more to help make the world a better place, by giving any depressed looking ugly men they see a flash of their boobs. Men are very simple and shallow and an unexpected glimpse of bosom might be enough to pull some unhappy soul back from the brink. And yet although women have this power and often claim to want to help the poor and disadvantaged, they don't perform this simple act of charity. I hope after hearing my wise words more of them will give it a go.
We've got some of the replies in from the survey, so I was aware that some of you think the podcast is too long, whilst others think it is too short. Basically it is just us chatting away so if you think it is too long then you can select your own length of podcast by turning it off when you're bored. Some people don't think it is long enough, which is more of a problem. A guy training for the
Ironman challenge said that he listens to us on the treadmill and works out for 75 minutes, giving him a lonely 15 minutes at the end without us to motivate him with our repetitive and rude chat. Having discussed this it looked like we might push on for a new record, but Andrew's Mac, or the Garage Band software on it decided to make an editorial decision and cut us off in mid flow after 66 minutes. We carried on for a bit without realising, doing some funny stuff about Ben Miller dominating all working areas and being responsible for the credit crunch by delivering pizzas and doing building work and making all the money in the world. But you will never hear it. Software made that decision for us.
I think Stalin Collings would have been happier if it cut out a bit earlier, after a rather contentious remark I had made, but I managed to talk him out of rewriting history. After all many of you have said how you enjoy the fact that I seem incapable of self-editing and you like the way I overstep the line and then go a bit further. So I let my mouth run away with me, all at the expense of someone who I have never met and who I am absolutely sure is a wonderful person (if her son is anything to go by). Anyway one day I will say something that will result in me going to prison. But for the moment sit back and enjoy however much of
the latest offering you can stomach. Hopefully it will make you forget about the slightly sensitive and weirdly loveable side of myself that I showed in yesterday's Warming Up.
And if you're a woman, remember the power you have to bring happiness to the world. And be happy that you live in the UK rather than Dubai. Unless you live in Dubai, then best ignore me. I don't know if they allow our podcast in Dubai.
After the freedom of the podcast I headed off to a studio to record my links for Radio 4 and was reminded how restrictive the proper broadcasting world can be. Lots of stuff I had written had been cut due to time or taste issues or just because the producer didn't find it funny. This was a shame. I thought the stuff I'd stayed up all night writing was pretty good. But although the finished result might be a bit drier and less cheeky than I'd hoped I think it'll still be OK. If my producer had heard the stuff I'd been talking about in the morning I think she might have had a heart attack.
