First gig of the year, after more than a month off stage and I was a bit worried that I would be rusty. Or not be able to remember any of my routines. And I was booked to do an hour.
But luckily all went more or less well. I was playing the bar at Wolfson College, Cambridge and the place was pretty packed. There were six other young men performing, most of them students and it was a fine example of our integrated, multi-cultural community with over half the acts either black or of Asian origin. Which allowed me to open with the line, "It's been a great night so far, all the other acts were great and isn't it terrific that it was such a multi-ethnic line up. If only it was representative of Cambridge University's admissions policy..." Which predictably got an arch round of applause, before I added, "No women." I had tricked them. They thought I was being revolutionary, but I was being reactionary. "Remember the good old days when they wouldn't let them in?" I asked, before adding, "I'm joking. I'm not really sexist. I actually have a friend who is a woman." Which was a nice line, though I'd be surprised if I was the first to think of it. I am sure one of you will let me know if you've heard it before.
I also had some fun taking the piss out of some rather dictatorial rules that had been posted under the big TV in the bar, from the fascistic sounding WCSA. Basically it wasn't to be used at all, unless the WCSA granted their permission. I ended up ripping them up, which I thought might impress people, but they seemed a little shocked by my anarchy.
I had fun messing around with the crowd though. I had forgotten how much fun this job can be. It took me a while to blow away all the cobwebs and some of the stuff I did was a bit rubbish, but towards the close I got into my stride.
I also revealed at the end, truthfully, that I had dumped my Christmas tree in the trees by the college car park. The bin men won't take Christmas trees for some reason, and so I stuck it in my car boot on the way out, thinking I might find some layby or other where I could dump it. That didn't seem like fly tipping. After all I would just be returning the tree to nature and it would biodegrade and then at least it would be out of my pathway. I had tried cutting bits off it and putting them in bin liners like I was some kind of insane and sloppy fir tree serial killer, but the tiny saw I have was inefficient.
But I got to the college without stopping anywhere and once I was there thought it would be funny to land the problem on Cambridge University (and then possibly mention it in the show), so I threw my little tree under a big tree and laughed to myself as I did so, hoping I wasn't on CCTV or that some security guard wouldn't catch me in the act and question what I was doing. It would be a shame to get arrested for fly-tipping and embarrassing to have to admit that I had gone to such lengths to rid myself of an unwanted dead tree.
But if you want my old Christmas tree and you live in Cambridge, then you now have some idea of where it might be.
What an anarchist I am. Ripping up student association notices and indulging in terrorist art (and not just dumping my rubbish because I am too lazy to go to a proper dump), I am smashing the class system. Yeah, I'll show those privileged Oxbridge toffs not to mess with me.
And if Oxbridge has any balls then they will find that tree, find out where I live and redeliver it back to me.
But you haven't got any balls have you? You Oxbridge toffs. I hate you all. I studied at the University of Life and I haven't turned out too badly did I?
It was good to get a back up degree at the University of Oxford, but the University of Life was the one that really got me through and so I don't count the Oxford one.
