Sitting in the rehearsal for "High Tackle", a BBC Wales quiz about rugby, I had a sinking feeling that I was way out of my depth. When I'd been booked for the show I had been told that it wasn't really a quiz about rugby, more a light hearted look at the six nations that are taking part in the current rugby competition. When I got info through last week it seemed to be a lot more rugby based than I'd been led to believe. "I don't like rugby," I told them, "And I know pretty much nothing about it. Are you sure you want to have me on this show?" They seemed sure, insisting that rugby knowledge was not that important. Surely there must be an English comedian somewhere who liked the sport and knew something about it and would be a better representative for my country. Apparently not.
And here I was sitting next to the unbelievably gigantic
Martin Bayfield (who had, I recalled a few minutes after meeting him, in an episode of Time Gentlemen Please) who was next to the unfeasibly stocky
Gareth Chilcott realising just how rugby based the questions were going to be. The down to earth and friendly host
Gabby Logan (she seemed delighted to talk about her dad's part in Brian Clough's brief managership of Leeds United when I asked her about it later) was using the questions from last week's show for this run through and it was clear to me that I wasn't going to be able to answer anything whatsoever. I wondered if I'd even be able to make any jokes about the questions. Because to be funny about something you generally need to have at least a basic knowledge of what's going on. The others joked and chortled about personalities that I had never heard of or at best, vaguely knew. I sat in my chair wondering if I was going to be utterly embarrassed. I wondered if anyone has ever been a guest on a quiz show and managed to get through the whole thing without even uttering a word. I am sure some have been heavily edited down and barely made a contribution to the final show, but has anyone merely sat in their seat, kept their mouth shut and then just pocketed the fee at the end of the night?
Could I be the first to do it? Was it worth setting myself that challenge?
But one thing I learned from the great Martin Cross when I was being taught to row for another sporting based TV appearance was that it can sometimes be good to be outside of your comfort zone. I was going to have to work at this and find a way through, but if nothing else I could use my ignorance to comic effect and luckily both the guys on my team and the Welshies,
Boyd Clack,
Eddie Butler and comedian
Rhod Gilbert created a friendly and fun environment. This wasn't going to be too competitive and everyone was just trying to have fun. Maybe I could find some way through this quagmire I had stumbled into.
I was able to do a bit of prep on the pictures round, but all the other questions were going to be a mystery. I came up with the plan of answering JPR Williams to every question, him being one of the few rugby players I knew. Unfortunately I didn't carry this out, because he was the answer to one of the teams very first questions - quite a convoluted one where you had to guess the identity from four picture clues. I would have looked like a rugby genius if I had just come out with that.
Despite my worries I got off to a pretty good start, getting some good laughs in the picture round and even being able to answer one actual question about Clive Woodward carrying the Olympic torch. We had thought the Welsh audience would give the England team a harder time, but they were rather supportive, though I did try to rile them a little. I nearly lost them with a joke about Will Carling having been spent some time in Wales, though claimed that I meant that literally rather than whatever they seemed to think I meant. But luckily it doesn't matter if things are a bit hit and miss on these things, as hopefully only your hits will make it to the edit.
My rugby ignorance was quickly revealed and I joked that when my manager had told me I was filming in Cardiff I had assumed that I was on Doctor Who. In fact sitting here in this slightly surreal scenario I wasn't entirely sure that I wasn't and was expecting Daleks and Cybermen to burst through the walls at any point. To be honest, when it came to the rugby questions I was having to face being exterminated or assimilated would be a blessed relief.
Despite my reservations I thought it wasn't a bad show. It dragged a bit in places, but not as much as the Buzzcocks recording had, and the banter was good natured and Rhod was particularly witty. Boyd Clack was also a very charming man. I was confident enough to start dissing Wales and in particular Swansea - and when the Cardiff audience unexpectedly took umbrage I told them about the hotel I had booked into there
where the toilet was in the same room as the bed.
If you live in Wales you can see what they leave in and whether I am right to claim I got away with it on Friday evening on BBC1 or BBC Wales or whatever you stupid seaweed eaters call it. The rest of you will be able to see it on the
BBC iPlayer.
I can't tell you who won, though I think it's safe to say there was a somewhat partisan atmosphere in the room. In case some rounds get taken out Gabby recorded a variety of possible scores at the end of each round and I wondered if the ones that favoured our team were there in case they wanted to sell this show to England. But the best team definitely won - JPR Williams was only the answer to one question. Otherwise we would have walked it.
I had been booked into a hotel, anticipating there might be a drink after the recording which finished at around 9.30pm. But unusually for these things the minute it was over everyone was making their way out of the studio and we were hurried into cabs without even the sniff of a glass of wine.
So I ended back up at the hotel alone, sitting in the bar, in a scenario rather reminiscent of my tours, except in a slightly more expensive hotel. I drank a couple of glasses of wine (I seem to have stopped drinking unless I am on my own, which is a strange and slightly worrying development, but it will be OK as long as I keep the company of others) and doing the Guardian kakuro. Only an hour before I had been appearing on TV with Hagrid's stunt double(BBC Wales, but it still counts) and now here I was alone in a bar, doing a puzzle. That's quite a comedown. Such are the highs and lows of my glittering televisual career.
I love it though.
Though some of you thought I should have told yesterday's complainant where to go, my reasonable reply elicited this equally balanced response,
"Many thanks for your response.
I am relieved that you no longer use this material and appreciate the sympathetic tone of your reply.
As i said, i am not usually / easily offended and have always found your routines / sketches very funny.
Keep pushing back the boundaries and i am sure that you as an intelligent comic / writer will continue to be successful.
Good luck for the future."
Which I guess shows that respecting other people's opinions is maybe the way forwards. Are you paying attention the world?
