The man in the room 304 in my hotel in Harrogate chose to turn his TV on at about 6.15am, and was kind enough to make sure it was loud enough to be perfectly audible in my room too. Thus saving me having to turn on my TV and helping to prevent global warming. Some people are very considerate.
For humorous purposes I have made it look like that was a good thing, but in actual fact I found it annoying. I banged on the wall. Unfortunately I realised later that I had banged on the wrong wall. The sound was so loud it was impossible to tell which room it came from. I imagine the guest in 302 is writing a blog today about the inconsiderate fool in room 303 who woke him up thumping on his wall for no reason.
Of course most people who use hotels have jobs that start early, whilst I have one that ends late, but evenso it was pretty rude of this man to have his TV on quite so loud, for the next two and a half hours. I think he sensed this wasn't quite rude enough as at about 7.30 he started coughing up a lung in this bathroom. Not that he could really help that. He could maybe have thought ahead a bit and not smoked quite so much all through his life. At least I had the compensation of knowing that he would probably be dead soon. And when he is, I am going to find out where he's buried, buy the next plot and then fill it with a TV tuned to BBC Breakfast and play it at full volume for the rest of all time. Take that dead-o.
It was so good not to have a good night's sleep, as I had a five hour drive to get back to London to record podcast 55. Luckily we had quite a clear run.
Before Collings arrived I just had time to pay in another £1000 of coins for SCOPE (thanks everyone - Yorkshire's world famous reputation for generosity seems to have been upheld) and to go to the Post Office to pay my parking fine, even though you all told me I don't have to. The Post Office charged me an extra £2.40 just to pay the fine. Everyone is on the take these days. I shall be avenged on you all for your greed. You'll see. When I am the new Jesus more than a couple of tables are gonna get smashed up. And that's a promise.
Try to love your fellow man and do things for free out of a sense of community spirit.
Or my wrath will come raining down on you and all those who you love unto the tenth generation. And that's a promise, motherfuckers.
Jesus is back. And this time it's personal.
Collings for some reason was desperate to get pissed and for me to make him a fish-finger supper (not a euphemism) this week. I think because we were recording a bit later than usual. Plus it is my only night off until the end of next week. It was a nice idea.
So the podcast begins with the sound of a bottle top being eased off a bottle and .... well I don't remember much from there on in. We had four bottles of beer each in the next hour, six minutes and 36 seconds. And then polished off a couple of cans I had in my fridge whilst eating our fish fingers.
From what I recall we were mainly grumpy old men, complaining about hotels and car parking fees and reading out letters from magazines and doing other comedians' material. I also tried to do my
countryside joke, but fucked it up. This is why you should never perform drunk. But it was an interesting experiment. And what we discovered is that you should never perform drunk. Especially when you're tired. But we felt it was important to spend the money that I've been handed by podcast fans as I've traveled up and down the country. As Andrew points out Bill Bailey's fans probably don't just hand him money after gigs, or slip it under his hotel room door. It's good that our fans treat us like we're their nephews or grand kids - here's a tenner, get yourself some coffee, biscuits and beer!
Still I think Andrew enjoyed his fish fingers. And it would be cool if after listening to the podcast you also make yourself some fish fingers. Captain Birdseye only. Nothing else matches up. You'll have forgotten how good they are.
Luckily after the shameful podcast we were able to hide our identities behind files. No one will have an idea who we were.
Despite his one being a self indulgent, we are shooting back up the podcast charts - as I write we're back to 22 in the overall chart, which is phenomenal. Don't let 55 put you off if it's your first one!
