Amazingly we managed to stay rock solid at number 9 in the iTunes chart today, though clearly my self destructive vow to rape Collings if we got to number one has not helped matters and will never have to come into force. Which is fortunate for both of us.
You are clearly all woolly liberals too and concerned about your own culpability in the crime and so unsubscribed to prevent it happening.
Well I am equal to you. I vow that I will bum Collings if we DON'T get to number one in the charts. So if you don't make it happen then you will be culpable anyway. I will still bum him if we DO get to number one (I am not the kind of person to renege on a vow), so he is damned if you do and damned if you don't. I'll set a time limit of the close of play on December 31st 2050.
But if we haven't hit the top spot by then, then Andrew Collings' old man ringpiece will get a ravaging that his octogenarian heart will probably not be able to withstand. Also if we have hit the top spot I will still do it. I'd prefer to wait until he's in his eighties before I do it though. Just to make it doubly wrong.
And if he has died by then, then that will not stop me digging him up and carrying through on my promise. I am a man of my word.
Collings shall be bummed.
Thinking about the real Richard Herring being imprisoned for something the podcast Richard Herring had done got me thinking about things from the podcast Richard Herring's point of view. Is he not always imprisoned? Imprisoned in the self-righteous and liberal body of the real Richard Herring. Only getting a chance to escape his fleshy gaol for one hour, six minutes and 36 seconds a week, plus maybe a few occasions within comedy gigs where he bubbles to the surface and makes his presence felt.
But most of the time, apart from in the larger prisons of my attic and on the stages of small theatres, pubs and arts centres, he has to lie dormant, cast down like some kind of Satanic figure. And like Milton's Satan we can't help actually slightly pitying and admiring him for his continued rebellion in the face of overwhelming opposition. Would it not be fitting that the smug real Richard Herring should experience incarceration, just as he has incarcerated this dark, yet oddly more likable side to him? And wouldn't the podcast Richard Herring still be imprisoned with him? In fact more hidden away than ever, because there would be no podcasts in prison, no comedy stages to perform upon. The real Richard Herring would be sitting, quivering in his cell, worrying about ever having a shower in case he dropped the soap and thus offered up an open invitation to anyone with any homosexual inclination to assault him, ironically in the very same way that had led to him being put away in the first place.
I love the podcast Richard Herring and I hate the real one. Just as I love heroic Satan and hate the God that has so cruelly banished him to eternal fire, merely for questioning His authority. All the devil has to do is say sorry and he'll be back in paradise, cradling the baby Jesus and bathing in eternal love. But he won't say sorry, because he isn't sorry. Which makes you wonder if there is something God isn't telling us. Satan's been in Heaven and could go back, but prefers to be on fire forever than back down - "Better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven." There's gotta be some right freaky shit going on up there if someone is prepared to stick so closely to their principles for such a long time.
Presumably though the devil might repent at any moment - he has free will after all, as do we all - and might get fed up with the flames and realise that God is good and right and not worth rebelling against. Will we be told if Satan does say sorry though? Will God come down and say - "Yeah, it's all right, the war in Heaven is over and I have won! So no more evil in the world. Hooray!"
Or doesn't God slightly rely on the devil being bad to keep the balance going. If the devil did say sorry, wouldn't God have to say, "Look, I really appreciate that you've realised I am all good and ever loving, even after I have been burning you in brimstone for so long, which to some people might not look so loving. But even though you've apologised I really have to keep you down there for this whole good/evil thing to work. The religion falls apart a bit if you're not there being bad. So if you really love me and want to help me then I'm afraid you're going to have to stay in that burning lake for ever more. Appreciate the contrition and all that. Turns out you were right though. I am a bit of a mental prick who is worth rebelling against. The world would run a lot better with you in charge, if I'm honest. At least you've got some balls and aren't a hypocrite. But what can I do? I'd let a lot of people down if I just handed things over after all this time. Bye. Thanks again. Bye."
I have been worrying a little bit about my Hitler moustache idea. By going out in the real world with a Hitler moustache I am breaking down the fourth wall. It's fine for me to break the laws of society on stage and in my attic, but if I am out on the streets experimenting with madness then I am letting the genie out of the bottle and giving the podcast Richard Herring some real freedom and power. God would never do it with the devil, so should I do it with my own little demon? Once the podcast Richard Herring has control of more than 50% of my life then I am doomed. The positions will be reversed and the real Richard Herring will only come to the surface for a limited time each week. I will become one of the shouting tramps in the street. But be shunned by the other tramps because I have a moustache like Hitler had. Even vagrants think you can go too far.
Well, we'll see.
On my way to Jersey Arts Centre on Monday night. Do come along if you're in the area. It might just be me and the podcast Richard Herring in the whole room by the looks of things. And it'll be good to have some other people there just to keep a check on things.
