Well better go to the chemist and get some KY jelly - as if I don't have any already.
I am absolutely gobsmacked. I had expected us to quickly drop out of the top 10, but despite a brief fall to number 10 early in the day, we closed play at an incredible number 7 and are now at 6! A secret computer expert who does not want to be identified has made it easier for you to help your friends to subscribe by providing this easy to remember link -
www.LoftCast.com which will take people directly to the relevant iTunes page. Email and retweet the link! We're an internet phenomenon.
I am now getting rather nervous that we might actually get to the top. It seems impossible, but then I never thought we'd see the day when we were ahead of Stephen Fry in the charts (even though he hasn't put up a podcast all year). So who knows.
Like that woman who has the audacity to be able to sing well despite being unattractive (imagine such a thing - who would have thought it possible), Collings is an anal virgin (mind you he did go to Arts College so might be a born again bum virgin), but like her (and I'm guessing if she's never been kissed she's never been bummed, but you never know) public hysteria will surely lead to a change in these circumstances. Sweetly he lives in denial of all that is going on, preferring to spend his time
making Star Trek characters out of our faces, but the fact he's made one of me, proves to my mind, that he wants it. It will be exhibit one when the court case finally comes round.
Today I travelled to Jersey for my fourth appearance at the Arts Centre. In most places that I have been back to four times I have noticed a growth in audience numbers, but Jersey seems to be making a stand and refusing to give me the time of the day (if only they had stood so firm in the face of the Nazis) and I only got around 60 people in tonight. Then again it was Hitler's birthday so most people in the Channel Islands would have been at home celebrating that. And of course those children aren't going to abuse themselves.
I had to dig deep to produce the performance that would get this initially slightly reticent audience of the only non-Nazi, non-child abusers on the island going. It was the first time on the tour that my head slightly dropped, though a few years ago one in three shows would have been like this. And though to begin with I thought about putting my head down, speeding up and dropping a few bits so it would be over quicker, professionalism quickly took over and I instead doubled my efforts. And it all worked out pretty well. I was glad I came and am looking forward to next year, where the island will hopefully be festooned with posters of me looking like Hitler, which should surely get more people in. And the older people will be able to relive the good old days of the war. Jersey, of course, made a fool of the teenage me claiming that having no weapons would the way forward as no one would invade us as other countries would intervene. When the Nazis waltzed in during World War II, not even the British army or navy tried to do anything to stop it.
At Gatwick airport on the way here I had my computer swabbed by a security man and the cloth then put in a special machine for analysis. I hoped they were looking for explosive residue, because there wouldn't have been any of that on the keyboard, but wondered if they might be looking for other substances. Perhaps if any human gametes were discovered there then a big light would flash and there'd be a siren and everyone would know that a wanker had just passed through the metal detectors. Luckily I passed the test and no sirens rang out. I use my computer only for work.
And in other news I saw one of Jersey's most exciting number plates today. As any fool knows, Jersey number plates are just the letter J followed by (typically) a 5 digit number, (though I think there is a J1 etc too), making CNPS incredibly difficult to play. Today I saw J99999 which would be the end point of any game played by some diligent Channel Islander.
My plane is boarding now so I have to go.
