Am I alone in thinking a good pandemic breaking out all over the world might be quite a good thing? I know it's not the most popular of views and if you live in Mexico and have lost someone close to you, then probably don't read this entry (or if you live in the future and swine flu has wiped out everyone you know, then you probably might want to skip to the next entry - if there is one), but there are an awful lot of people in the world and they are destroying the world, so might it not be best in the long run if we could get rid of about half of them?
I haven't grown my Hitler moustache yet, so this is not to do with my brain being infected by his genocidal mania.
If a billion or so people were to die now, it might save the human race. And as Andrew Collings no doubt believes who are we to play God and cure diseases sent by nature to cleanse us? Obviously he'll be safe anyway as I am sure that a homeopathic cure or inoculation has already been invented. In fact, my suggestion for the first move is for everyone who believes in homeopathy to take that and then fly to Mexico and kiss every pig they see. It will either prove the efficacy of their medicine or wipe out everyone who believes in homeopathy, which seems to me to be a win win situation.
Obviously I am not massively keen to be one of the people who dies, but get a slight visceral thrill from the pig based flu lottery that we've all just bought a ticket to. I used to love the programme "Survivors" when I was a nine year old, though all I recall about it is those opening titles, where an Asian man collapses getting off a plane and the virus spreads, practically wiping out humanity. And with the speed of these things, who knew what world I would wake up to this morning. Yesterday a few hundred cases in Mexico and America, today, red eyed flesh eating zombies running down my street attacking my neighbours. Would I be one of the survivors and how would I cope in this brave new world with no practical skills whatsoever?
So maybe it would be a shame if it went that far and all that was left was a ragbag group of survivors, but if just one in two people in the world were to be killed then there'd be a lot more room for us all, a lot more stuff to go around and the planet earth and the human race might survive into the next century.
Nature has ascertained this danger to the planet and created this solution to curtail it and who are we to argue with nature?
Sanctity of human life my arse.
Either that or people could start using condoms a bit more and thus allow nature to take a back seat and not have to send plagues and pestilence to keep our numbers in check. Fat people have now been classified as bad for the environment and I think we should now broaden that out to include people with kids. They walk around, proudly displaying their fecundity, thinking they are the best people in the world for having reproduced. I think they might think again if the rest of us hurled abuse at them and their snotty, polluting spawn as they walked down the street - "Don't you care about the environment? How could you do that?" The more kids, the more abuse. If it made people think twice about adding to the problems of this world then I would be all behind it. Or if at least it made people less proud of the fact that they're reproduced. As long as they just looked constantly ashamed of what they'd done and what they'd created I could breath easier. It's like they think we don't know what they did to create those babies. How can they look so proud of themselves, when all the children indicate is that they have had (probably) unprotected sex and then squeezed a human being out of their genitals? Contrition is the least we could ask for, but instead comes smugness.
We should make a deal with nature, (and some people say you can't negotiate with abstract and non-existent forces, but I disagree) we will cut down the number of kids we have to the bare minimum and the disgusting animals who have them will forever walk the earth with their heads down and a sign round their necks saying "Sorry for the awful things I have done. I am ashamed of myself and the walking bags of meat that I have created" and Nature will stop sending new viruses and diseases to wipe us our entirely.
We will protect the world and all its other life and Nature will allow us to live.
I suspect that all the selfish procreators out there will dismiss me as insane and refuse to go along with my plan, even though with every unprotected screw and shooting out of glutinous gametes into fertile ovaries they are dooming our world, so I'd just like to point out to Nature that I have not reproduced at all in forty two years and am ashamed of even having had protected sex (if I had kids I would make them walk twenty paces behind me so that no one would know what I had done), and so don't take me out with your pestilence or virus as I am on your side.
You other humans might see me as a collaborator, but when the history books come to be written I believe that nature will be seen as the side of good and mankind the side of evil and I am proud to be betraying my species, even if my motivation is slightly selfish.
So sorry if you or your loved one dies of pig flu, but as you're coughing up your lungs you can at least be pleased that you're doing your bit for the environment.
And it's always worth remembering that death can strike at any time, so make the most of your time here.
But wear a condom.
And as a balance to my hatred of humanity, why not go and visit the website of the wonderful Terry Saunders and watch the first two parts of his short films,
Six and a half loves. Hopefully nature will spare him too, despite his promotion of love, which is the first step in this disgusting creation of new human beings.
