I popped into Starbucks on the way from my hotel to the train station. There was a woman behind the counter but she was making coffees for the previous customers. She called to her colleague who was out the back. He dashed back to the counter to serve me, looked across at me to take my order and immediately burst into laughter. "How can I help you?" he chortled. I smiled back at him for a second, confused at what had amused him, but then realised it was probably my moustache. It had come at him by surprise and everything had happened so quick that he couldn't stop himself laughing in my face. Which isn't great customer service, but I can't really blame him. After all it's a funny moustache and I am trying to reclaim it for comedy.
He made a lame attempt to cover up for his rudeness by saying something like, "Sorry, it's a bit early in the day," but that didn't really make sense. He had just openly laughed at a customer and knew that it was wrong. He took the rest of my order merely mildly smirking, looking slightly red-faced, but I imagine that once I'd left he'd be guffawing good and proper about the weirdo who came into his shop sporting Fuhrer face-fuzz.
Unless, of course, I was just being paranoid and he was indeed laughing at something else. It's impossible to be sure.
Being out of London, even in a town like Brighton where nearly anything goes, I was aware that I seemed to be getting more strange looks, more double takes and more reactions to my choice of upper lip decoration. An old fella actually stopped in his tracks as I passed, his mouth slightly agape. I can't be totally sure it was because of me and not because he'd suddenly remembered he'd left his iron on at home.
After over two weeks of having it for this second time I have more or less got used to it and forgotten it's there. Although late at night I slightly worry it might mark me out a bit to drunk men looking for an excuse to hit someone, so far it has almost gone unremarked and has not led to any tricky situations at all. In fact I'm fairly certain that it might actually be ensuring that people leave me alone, thinking me either mad or bad or a delicious mixture of both.
When I think about it I still feel a bit disfigured and ugly, but sometimes I catch sight of myself in the mirror and think I almost quite like it. As long as I am smiling it doesn't look like it's a Nazi statement of intent. I almost thought I looked handsome with it today.
I was, of course, incorrect.
My mum, I think, is pretty much intent that I won't go to the Golden Wedding with this hateful thing on my face and in any case I do have to shave it off in the next week or so as I have to do the photoshoot for the cover of my book. But whilst a month ago I was adamant that I would not have the moustache in the show (because that would mean not only having it througout Edinburgh but also during the two or three months of the tour) I am now resolved to do exactly that. For a few seconds today I actually thought I might keep it once the project was over. But that was just craziness.
Surely it was.
I got home in time to welcome a reporter and cameraman from Five News who wanted to interview me about my iPhone obsession. I wondered how and if they would explain my choice of facial topiary. It was odd to have the moustache as I talked about something unrelated. But that's its first TV exposure (and I am recording the first episode of a new Charlie Brooker show on Sunday so it should get another airing then). Hopefully some Channel 5 viewers saw it and were impressed and have decided to follow my lead. That's all it takes. A few early followers and then, within months or years you're the head of an enormous cult. I said cult. Ah yes, you probably saw that.
Andrew Collins had turned up early for the podcast, hoping no doubt that he might accidentally walk into the back of the shot and end up being asked for his iPhone opinions by Five news. He is a publicity seeking twat if anyone is.
I can't believe that I didn't wear my Virgilio Anderson T shirt. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking, that's the truth of it.
Collings was still a bit dazed after his cider drinking antics in Glastonbury and actually repeated an observation he'd already made at one point. What a dick. It was aside from that an interesting enough podcast and probably the only one available anywhere in the world where you'll hear people discussing trying to rub sun cream into a tapir's nipples and genitals. I can't guarantee it. If you like Cameroon Sheep you'll love
Podcast 70 (and I'm a little bit astonished that we've done so many of these. It is not though, as I discovered when talking about my iPhone, as much time as I've spent playing solitaire since I got this device. I've done that for over 105 hours. Imagine what I could have done with that time. Dick.
And Nathan Jay has been doing even more work for the three people who'd like one of his songs as their ringtones (I am one of the three). They should now work on most platforms. Here's
Virgilio Anderson and this is
The Girl Does Nothing. Please show your appreciation for his generosity by buying the track
here.
