You would think there would be some kind of gym locker room etiquette that if you're changing close to another bloke and he's sitting down, you don't stick your arse in his face.
I could understand that this might happen if the locker room is very full, there would be no alternative, but I tend to go during the day when there's maybe three other men changing and about fifty per cent of the time someone chooses to come and get changed much too close to me as I'm putting on my shoes and then bends down to take off their pants and bang, there's a bottom in my face.
I am exaggerating for comic effect (for those of you who choose to take me too seriously), the men's arses are usually a couple of feet away, but they are certainly pointing in my direction. If I have a bare man's arse in my proximity I like it to be pointing in a different direction, rather than winking at me from close quarters.
And I don't look at the arses, I try to look anywhere else, but I can sense the arse in my peripheral vision. And I don't like it.
I have to emphasise that there is never any sexual intention in the man who is poking his arse in my affairs. Or if there is these men have a very strange idea of what constitutes sexyness. I need to be courted, perhaps taken out for a smoothie in the health club bar before you can expect to (fleetingly) show me your buttocks, from a distance. I don't want the whole kit and kaboodle flapping round my nostrils within two seconds of (not even) meeting you.
And it's never trim sexy arses that are pushed in my general direction, but always flabby ones in grey pants.
The men who are guilty of this crime are not predatory homosexuals (they may be bare-chested, but you can tell from the way that their trousers are absent of flamboyance that they are heterosexual in theory and asexual in practice), they simply have no idea of personal space (and possibly of how unpleasant their arses are), they are Space Invaders.
And you'll remember that Space Invaders always came down arse first.
There are plenty of signs up to prevent petty theft in the changing rooms, why not a sign saying, "Please ensure your naked arse is never within three feet of another person's face and pointing in a different direction."
Such is the power of this diary that I expect such signs to be up in the locker room by the time I get to the gym in about an hour and a half's time.
