I spent the afternoon sorting out the rest of the programmes for those people who donated money. I should be sending them off tomorrow, although all the ones for abroad went today. The Edinburgh Post Office has gone all swanky and upmarket. Rather than queuing up in a drab and depressing line, you now take a number from a machine and can sit down and wait your turn like you're in an airport lounge or something. It is a small change in some ways, but does make an enormous difference to the post office experience. It's almost like the Post Office are treating you like a human being, rather than an animal that lactates money and must be milked in as laborious and unpleasant way as possible.
I sat next to a man who said hello to me and said he was coming to my show tomorrow. We had a friendly chat. Regular readers will know how stressful I have found the Post Office experience in the past, but I almost enjoyed myself today. All that would improve it is attractive hostesses serving coffees or maybe cocktails to the customers as they wait.
I tried my Mars Bar routine at Old Rope tonight, to a mixed response. I got a lot more back from the audience, many of whom seemed to think I was genuinely confused as to whether Mars Bars existed. One man told me I was putting the wrong inflection on the name and we went back and forth saying it again and again. The audience were much more vociferous in telling me that Mars Bars definitely existed, but I argued that they were just saying that to confuse me further and were laughing at my stupidity. I also suggested that it was possible that I had taken the audience to an alternate Universe, identical in every respect, except that Mars Bars have never existed. I hoped to make them question their own existence and whether anything they believed was true. Someone though went out of the room and bought a Mars Bar from a vending machine outside. But even this was not enough to convince me. After all they might just have had that mocked up (and perhaps the government were in on this conspiracy) but also the Mars Bar only had the word "Mars" on it. Nowhere did it say it was a Mars Bar. It could just be a bar made by Mars, but that doesn't mean it's called a Mars Bar. It might just be a Mars. Or a bar made by Mars with no name.
I had fun, repeating the words Mars Bar over and over again, in a confused and suspicious way. A woman shouted "Move on" and I arrogantly compared what I was doing to Samuel Beckett and wondered if when "Waiting for Godot" first came out there was someone in the audience shouting out "Move on. Where's Godot? Get him on."
I had to finish this new routine though as we ran out of time. Much to the relief of nearly everyone in the room.
I had enjoyed myself though and that's the important thing.
I am also enjoying my chats with Ben Dover whose show follows mine in the Underbelly. I have learned so far that his son plays the eldest child in the brilliant TV show "Outnumbered" and today I discovered that for a short time in the 1970s Ben played drums for Sparks, but turned down the opportunity to join the band permanently thinking they'd never make it, only to regret his decision when they became world famous. It's not as bad as turning down the Beatles, but interesting how the choices we make in life affect our destiny. Who knows what might have become of him if he'd been in Sparks?
So it must be annoying for him that one of my play out songs is "This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both of Us" which he has to listen to as he prepares to set up his show.
Until tonight he had not made the connection with the moustache.
Here are the people whose addresses I don't have (or have lost)
Please email me at herring1967@googlemail.com if you want your stupid fucking programme.
It's a rare signed collectors edition and there are only 178 of them, so they might be worth something one day, so do get in touch if you want what is rightfully yours.
James McBride
Justine and Yan
Sue Cowley
William Garrard
AHG
Bruce Bush
Bumbum Jones
Cootey and Emmie
Geoff the Cap Taxer
Glenn Allan
Iain Wilson
Ian Bent
Ian Pope
Jim Beith
Jimbob
John Aubrey Owen Barnett
Johnnie
Jules Sharples
Louise Dore
M201DNV
Michael Oxley
Neil
Pete, Cheryl, Lucy and Hannah
Michael Butler
Rahul
Steve "Bummer" Black
Swissroll
