I was appearing on the Dave programme "Argumental" for the second time. I'd recorded an episode in the first series about this time last year and been unable to be in the second series because I had been on tour, but I'd enjoyed it the first time and it was good to be back.
I had decided to wear my suit as I'd felt a bit underdressed last time I did the show. I hadn't worn it since Edinburgh when I had it on every day as it was my stage costume for Hitler Moustache. I had worn it for 25 days in a row in a room that was like a sauna and didn't get it cleaned all the time and was quite surprised that it hadn't fallen apart by the end. It smelled like a ripe, musty cheese. I stuffed it into my pink swastika bucket which still had a few Velcro moustaches at the bottom and put it in the boot of my car, hoping against hope that it wouldn't create life in its own primordial soup. Because any creature that found itself breathing its first in such an unusual location must surely become the most evil thing to walk or crawl or slime its way around the world.
Anyway I had been thinking of throwing the suit away, but decided to give it one last run around the block and slightly shame faced about the scrunched up, dried sweat stinking, still slightly damp piece of cloth I was giving them, too it to the dry-cleaners. If it had turned up in Bagpuss' shop it would have taken a whole episode and some sterling work from the mice on the Mouse Organ before anyone could see what it had originally been.
The suit came back looking fine and I could not see a problem with wearing it on the show. I mean it was possible that the seams had been rotted in the fetid conditions of Edinburgh in August, but I mean come on. What were the chances of the whole thing falling apart and off me on to the floor as I was making my speech in this debate themed TV show? A hundred to one? A million to one? Yeah, I reckon about a million to one.
It didn't happen.
What was strange though was as I walked through the labyrinthine corridors at the London Studios (a familiar location for me - it's where we recorded Time Gentlemen Please and it was very hard to believe that all took place seven or eight years ago. I expected Phil Daniels to appear around the next corner with his yellow Terry teeth) was that something was rubbing against my left knee. What was it? What had the dry cleaner done to this thing? Had he had to patch it together with tape? Had it been in that bad a condition? It felt like my newly cleaned suit was grazing me.
Was I imagining it?
I couldn't really drop my trousers there and then in front of the young runner who was showing me to my dressing room.
I'd convinced myself it was just an illusion when I felt exactly the same sensation in exactly the same place but on my right knee? What was this?
It took me quite a few minutes of confusion before I worked out what it was. Two of my Velcro moustaches had somehow become lodged in my trousers and had been missed by the dry-cleaning process and had somehow flowed down the trouser legs and stopped at the exact same spot.
Once I got to my dressing room and was in the company of one of the writers who I have known for some time, I undid my button and zip and took the squares of Velcro out. It might have been hard to explain to someone who didn't know the context. It was funny to see these little black squares after three weeks away from them. Strange to have them dogging me still.
Argumental is a nerve wracking show to do as it involves essentially writing a couple of new routines about a subject you haven't chosen and then delivering it in front of an audience. I had a few bullet points on the autocue, but by the time I was on stage I had forgotten what some of them meant. And in one round there was only so much I could do to prepare as the argument of the piece had to go along with whatever photos were shown to me at random points.
It went OK though. Rufus and Marcus the regular captains had already recorded one show that night (and two the previous night) and both seemed a little more tired and jaded than they had when the series had been new in 08 when they'd been full of excitement and spunk. But they still did a good job and I was very impressed at their ability to get on top of so much material. At one point there had been a suggestion that I might have to stand in for one of the guys in the first show who wasn't too well and I was for a second delighted as it would mean double bubble, but then I considered the amount of work I'd have to do and was rather relieved when that didn't happen. It took me all afternoon to prepare for one show which began at 8.30pm and I was still quite unprepared.
It's still one of the most fun shows to do and although there is a veneer of competitiveness everyone is actually very giving and you're totally given time to do your own bits without fear of some prick barging in and stamping all over your punchlines.
I couldn't hang around too long afterwards as I had to go home to pack for the holiday I am going on tomorrow. How exciting! Off to the Big Sky Potato. Although had a bit of a scary moment when I tried to check in on line and was informed that it was now mandatory to fill out an ETSA (Electronic System For Travel Authorization) at least 72 hours before travel or we might not be allowed into the country. The form said that authorisation might be immediate, but it could take 3 days. Which would be a bit of a shitter as the flight is at 2pm tomorrow. Luckily it all worked out fine and we even checked in on line. This is the future dude. Looking forward to the break and the last 3 days have been so hectic I almost feel that I deserve it!
See you in New York.
Oh and Steve Brown and Steve Newman who did such sterling work on our podcast and Hitler Moustache pics and posters have created a whole range of Collings and Herrin based T-shirts. We are dividing what little profit we get between the four of us and the whole enterprise promises to make us hundredaires if enough of you get involved. But the nice thing about this site is that they print up the T-shirts only when they are ordered so we don't end up with loads of boxes of unsold merchandise and you can guarantee you'll get the shirt you want. It also means we can have quite a range.
You can see the designs here. We'll let you know how many we sell and if more of you think Andrew Collings is a fucking idiot - or I am.
