Up early again for our third stint sitting in for Adam and Joe. We had a different producer than usual and he was a bit more cautious and seemingly nervous than our usual guy. But this is not his fault. There is a strange atmosphere at the BBC these days and everyone is living in fear of breaking guidelines and getting into trouble. Who can blame them when jobs are at stake? But it's not always an atmosphere that is conducive to comedy and I could sense his dread as he sat beside me which wasn't entirely helpful in relaxing me. Early on when we asked listeners to send in Valentine's greetings to either me, Andrew or Skeletor (in honour of the 15th February celebration of St Skeletor's Day), I described the silliness as a competition, which it was only in the sense that it was a chance to see which of the three of us would prevail. But the producer was fearful that we had trangressed guidelines by creating a contest (which we obviously hadn't in any of the senses of the word that the guidelines are referring to) and we had to explain that it was not really a competition (though all double acts are built on competition so maybe they should only have solo presenters on from now to prevent getting the BBC into trouble).
Later we were discussing the Peter and Jane books and Andrew read out a bit about a sweetshop owner discussing sweets with the children, which I thought sounded a bit suspect. We were talking about key words and how they might have changed and so anxious not to say "paedophile" and get anyone into trouble, I suggested "nonce" as a possible keyword and then jokingly said that perhaps that word was too rude for radio - repeating it in the process. The producer nearly had a fit, but even though he was sitting next to me, hilariously he started gesticulating to Andrew, maybe wanting him to cut my mike or something. He could much more easily have just punched me and shaken his head to indicate I had made a mistake. But neither Andrew or I had seen anuything wrong with what I had done and we carried on.
As the record played the producer explained that the word "nonce" was on the list of forbidden words and we might be in trouble if an executive had heard this. Apparently "paedophile" would not have been forbidden. I was astonished as I was being very careful to stay on the right side of the line and asked why "nonce" was considered a verbotten word. He said it was because it was derogatory. I said that it was surely OK to be derogatory towards paedophiles, but he said that the word had homosexual associations, which I had certainly never heard of. In fact I wanted to argue that to suggest that the word nonce (which as far as I can see has always meant paedophile) is derogatory to homosexuals is actually derogatory to homosexuals. But there wasn't time. Maybe he thought I'd said ponce. But there was no chastising call or email so we got away with it. Unless anyone from the BBC reads this. But if they are reading I would suggest that the guidelines are in danger of strangling both your broadcasters and your organisation. Stop bowing to the Daily Mail types who only want to destroy you and treat your audience as the sensible thinking people they are.
And if anyone from the Daily Mail is annoyed by me being derogatory to paedophiles then I will be delighted to hear about it.
On the way to a lovely final London performance of Hitler Moustache I was lucky enough to get on a tube driven by my favourite Central Line driver.
You might think it's hard to have a favourite amongst the largely anonymous men and women who drive our tubes, but this guy is a stand out. I've been on his train a couple of times before and so know he wasn't just having a strange day, because he acts like this all the time, but he basically keeps up a world-weary running commentary about everything that is going on. Most drivers don't feel the need to even speak, but this one won't shut up, even though he is mainly pissing in the wind with the things he is saying.
He has a sarcastic and slightly superior delivery and so if people are dicking around with the doors or try to jump in too late and hold up the train he will chime in , "Passengers are reminded that obstructing the doors will only lead to delays. Please do not try and get on to the train at the last minute as it just causes problems for everyone else." Of course he's really complaining after the horse has bolted and nothing is going to stop people trying to jump on at the last minute. But he enjoys voicing his frustration at the inevitable. And doesn't tire of doing so. Sometimes several times on the same trip. He is like a school principle using the tannoy to remind us of rules that he knows in his heart no one will ever obey. His fellow drivers have given up trying, but he obviously slightly gets off on letting us know how ouir anti-social behaviour is ruining his and everyone else's day.
I am not knocking him, because I agree with him. But it's just interesting to me that he persists with this. He is complaining really I think because he wants us to hear his frustration.
"Please take your rubbish with you," he advised at Marble Arch, "This is a tube train not a skip. Believe me if we did not have cleaners on this train then within a week you wouldn't be able to move for the rubbish."
He is one man, fighting against an avalanche, like a modern day King Cnut, and the world-weariness in his monotone voice does nothing but make his passengers catch each other's eyes and laugh. Maybe that is his intention. Perhaps he is a Holy Fool, pointing out our foibles, but never actually hoping to change anything. Will his announcement cause even one person to pick up their rubbish? Perhaps. But will it make any difference in the long run? You have to admire his optomism that it might.
It's not all chastisement though. At Tottenham Court Road, he always likes to point out that the most efficient way to exit the station is not to follow the "Way Out" signs, but instead to go to the end of the platform and then turn right up a short flight of stairs and exit that way. Again his tired and annoyed voice tells us that it might not look like it's the way out, but it's better than the official way and we should take his advice "unless you particularly enjoy walking down loads of passageways."
He is pricelessly entertaining. And I guess plays to a bigger audience on a Saturday night than I do, but for no extra money.
I wish him luck with his slightly judgemental and superior attempts to educate the public. He certainly makes a lot of them smile and interact, which might not be what he's after, but isn't a bad result.
Espeically on the tube.
