Yesterday I found a bank in Sheffield with a coin paying in machine, but - what are the chances? - it was out of order. So I still had to count up my coins. But I realised that I actually quite enjoy counting up the coins. I will miss doing it if the coin paying in machines proliferate and stop breaking down. Progress thou art a fickle whore.
The drive to Berwick was a lot further than I had anticipated. Sheffield is in the north and Berwick is in the north, so they should be close together, but they were hundreds of miles apart. What's going on New Labour? Pull your fingers out. If you want my vote at the next election you'd better ensure that towns that sound like they are close together ARE close together. I was weary enough already, but also aware that I had another drive after the show to Glasgow (which again turned out to be two hours from Berwick, even though both places are more or less in Scotland - but I am blaming the SNP for that one, so breathe easy Gordon).
Hadn't expected much of a crowd in Berwick (a couple of months ago whilst everywhere else was ticking along nicely I had sold 0 tickets here), but on getting here I discovered that due to ticket deals over 200 people were coming. "They are quite conservative here," warned the theatre owner. I was already feeling a little worried about the gig. In pretty much every other town I have been getting an audience who were coming to see me, but tonight I was going to be getting Herring newbies who would have no idea what to expect and I wasn't sure they would be too delighted with what they saw.
And looking from backstage as they filtered in it was a very mixed audience, from kids of about 12 right through to great-grandmas. I was tired and concerned and actually felt a little nervous for the first time in ages.
I ate almost an entire packet of Haribo to give myself some energy. It worked for a while, but then I felt sick. Other comedians turn to hard drugs to get them through - for me, it's sweets.
And I wasn't in total command during the first half. I had considered dropping the McCann joke, but thought I shouldn't wimp out, but did wonder if this might be the first place that the vote would go the other way (I'd quite like to see that happen incidentally and would drop the joke), but although most people wanted the joke, a fair few didn't - one woman seeming to protest further as I began. I explained that she could put her fingers in her ears, but as always the mob had spoken. But I was allowing things to throw me a bit. I got concerned that the lighting state was not the same as what we'd had in the tech and dealt with a woman going to the toilet in a blank and unamusing way. I had allowed the fear of the audience not being up to speed with me to affect my performance.
In the second half I pulled myself together and did a much better job and judging by the reaction afterwards as I signed programmes the crowd had been mainly up for it and enjoyed what I'd done. One woman came and had a go at me for one almost off the cuff remark about the fact that Catholics are racist (as all religious people are according to the argument of the show), sexist and homophobic and that their leader (unlike Nick Griffin) has the power to spread his evil round the world and used it to give Africans AIDS (which I wondered, might make the BNP a little envious). This woman wanted to know why I thought it was OK to take the piss out of Catholics and no one else. I was actually quite impressed that with my fourth major complaint I had actually offended a fourth type of person. It suggested I was doing something right. I told her that maybe to concentrate on that one joke out of all those in the show said more about her than anything else and I said that I felt the same about all religions when she asked me why I didn't take the piss out of them. I did point out that the show starts with me being rude about the Jews and I do a whole routine about all religions, but she wasn't going to listen. I also pointed out that I am quite rude about all sorts of sections of people (so far no one has got offended that in the show I pretty much accuse every man I mention of being a paedophile - is that what I think of men?) and so it was weird to home in this one remark. But I couldn't really be bothered to debate it with her and after a couple of minutes went back to talking to the people who had understood what I was trying to say and not taken umbrage at any of the remarks that might have hit closer to home for them. She thought it was easy to have such views of Catholics and lazy, but I told her that it was genuinely what I thought. She then decided to take me to task for mocking the mentally ill, which at least showed she had been listening to some of the rest of the show. It became clear that she had a problem with my liberalism, which I was perfectly willing to have challenged, though she was not so keen to have her own views questioned and she ended by saying "Remember the Nazis were the National Socialists. They were socialists."
Which didn't make too much sense to me as I had never said in the show that I was a socialist and in any case even if the Nazis had the word "socialist" in their name, they weren't socialists they were fascists.
It was a bit of extra fun for the people in the queue, but I wasn't in the mood for a prolonged debate with someone like this. I actually felt quite pleased to have got that kind of reaction in this case and I hoped it was another sign of the show's strength that all the complainants come at me from a different angle, and don't seem to realise that the show is as challenging to everyone's beliefs at times as it is to theirs. Including my own.
I am surprised people don't spot that I don't come out of the argument I have with myself very well or that the script is littered with references that show my own (supposed in most cases) prejudices.
I don't mind someone getting upset on behalf of everyone I might have offended, but it seems wrong when it is only on behalf of the one thing that was close to home for them.
But soon enough I was in my car and heading for Glasgow. I was soon over the border and the first sign on the motorway said, "Don't take drugs and drive." Ah, I thought, I am in Scotland! I am sure that a dozen comedians must have seen this sign and doubtless have routines about it, but it did make me smile given that it seems to be wearily accepting the fact that people will have obviously broken one law, but is hoping they won't break a second. I was hoping for a second sign just afterwards reading, "You know, obviously don't take drugs either." And then another after that which said, "But if you do, at least don't drive afterwards."
I got to Glasgow after midnight, spaced out but in one piece. I went to buy a small portion of chips and was charged £2.50 for less than 25 individual chips. At 10p each they had better be the best chips of all time.
They got lucky.
I also managed to pick up a copy of today's Scotsman which I knew < a href="
http://news.scotsman.com/entertainment/Comics-Richard-Herring-and-Marc.6146148.jp"> had this article in it. I was impressed to have spoken to a journalist about controversial subjects and not got misquoted once - although I should point out that I have written a blog for EVERY DAY since the end of November 2002. Not that I am obsessive or pedantic in any way.
