Yes I may be crowing about being (now) third in the Amazon comedy books chart, but as Mal points out on the guestbook the other tomes that high up are
#1 Dark Days (Skulduggery Pleasant - book 4) by Derek Landy
#2 Mr Gum and the Cherry Tree by Andy Stanton
#4 Sea Fishing (River Cottage Handbook) by Nick Fisher
I have never seen Derek Landy or Andy Stanton on the comedy circuit and the book at number four seems not even to be comedy. Unless (as Mal again points out) it's funny to have a book about sea fishing by a man whose surname is Fisher. If only I had thought of that.
My next book is going to be called "Kippering Fish".
I continued my Herculean task of trying to get my house into order so I know where stuff is. I am still working on the lounge, which does not look much tidier than it did a month or so ago and has piles of leads and plugs which I still can't work out where to hide.
But amongst all my crap I found my "Brooke Bond Picture Cards Wonders of Wildlife" album.
Back in the 1970s when you bought a box of PG Tips tea (loose leaf in those days or at least the boxes I remember were) you would be given a free trading card. You could then buy a book (which cost 10p in this instance) to stick the cards in, try and collect the whole set and swap them with any friends you might have or were sad enough to be doing the same thing.
There were a variety of different collections, though this wildlife one is the one I remember the most clearly, and I don't know how long they kept going with the same one, but there are 50 cards in the book and you only got one in each box (though did you get three if you bought a big box of tea bags? And were tea bags even invented then?) and even if your family got through a box of tea each week and you were lucky enough to get a different card each time then it would still take almost a year to complete.
It was supposed to be educational, but I am not sure I ever read the book or learnt about the wonders of wildlife, it was all about completing the set. Though I do remember liking the Puss Moth Caterpillar which features prominently on the cover.
I remember keenly ripping open the box of PG Tips, pulling out the foil bag of tea and looking beneath it for which card would be there, amongst the tea dust that collected at the bottom. Would it finally be number 9 The Sea Wasp, the most venemous sea creature? Or would it be yet another Red Howler Monkey to add to my collection of unswappable cards?
According to the book it never was. I came close to finishing the collection, but there are a few telling gaps. Number 1, the Blue Whale is missing, but it's clear I once had it as there are glue marks in the box and I have crossed it off on the list in the inside front cover. And I can remember the picture too.
But I never got the aforementioned number 9, number 12, the Three-Toed Sloth, number 20, the Polar Bear or number 44 Ants and Aphids. I know I felt a bit sad about that back then, although I think you might have been able to send off for specific cards if you were prepared to pay for them and I clearly didn't care enough to do that (or was that against the spirit of the challenge?), and I still feel a bit sad about it now. In fact maybe I am going to go one step further into turning into the sad, nerdy old man that I am clearly destined to be and spend the next few months trawling through junk shops trying to find those final cards. I could just
buy a complete set for £3.99 and even have some swapsies left over, but again that seems against the spirit. I really need to discover a shop selling the original boxes of tea, or an old forgotten store of boxes, so I can experience the whole thrill - the opening of the box, the lifting of the foil bag, the smell of the tea, the grainy texture of the tea on the card.... ah nostalgia.
Even now I really know that I didn't like the Wonders of Wildlife as much as I like to pretend I did. It was more of a school thing, a showing off, pretending you were interested in learning. I much preferred the Dr Who figures and diaramas that were given away inside (and on) Weetabix boxes around the same time. Those were fucking awesome.
Here are some examples.
And look all the characters!
Although they could have done with one of Jo climbing in through that window. I suspect there are very few of those left in existence as any child worth their salt will have played with them until they were destroyed and I am not sure how many fat middle-aged men thought it was an acceptable thing to collect pristine examples of such ephemera back in the 70s.
Ah well, better go before I turn into Stuart Maconie.
