I decided to walk back from the gym today and see if it was quicker than taking the Hammersmith and Shitty line.
On average there probably wasn't much in it.
As I neared home I heard a weak and plaintive female voice coming from above saying "Excuse me".
There was a tree in the way and I coudldn't see who was talking and presumably she couldn't see me either, but maybe she could hear my footsteps on the pavement.
As I passed the tree the voice came again, slightly stronger, yet still full of sorrow, "Excuse me."
I looked up and there was a woman in her late middle age leaning out of the second floor window of the house. Her face was puffy and lined and told the story of the many nights of drinking she had had in her life. The self-pity in her eyes was possibly a little mannered. She was holding something in her hands towards me.
"What is it?" I asked, concerned that she might be in trouble.
"You couldn't go up to the top and get me ten cigarettes could she." She was holding out an envelope, presumably with the money for the purchase.
I didn't want to, but there was something so pathetic in her request that it was hard to resist.
"Which way is the shop?" I asked and she pointed in the direction I had just come.
I saw this as an opportunity to get out of the quest. "Sorry, I'm going this way." She started to mumble that there were shops in the direction I was going too, "I'm very busy," I lied.
"Sorry," I added.
So now I walked onwards feeling bad about my selfishness. This woman was clearly unable to walk the 200 yards to the shop either through illness or drunkeness or most likely illness caused by drunkeness and I wasn't even prepared to help her purchase the one thing that helped her get through the day. The fact that she could only afford ten cigarettes made her request all the more poignant.
I tried to justify it to myself by internally arguing that cigarettes are bad for you and so by buying them for her I was only going to cause her more harm.
But fuck that. The harm has been done. I could have helped bring her a little bit of pleasure and felt good about myself into the bargain. I would have gone two minutes out of my way to assist a stranger. What a big man!
I could even have bought her some extra cigarettes out of my own money, so that she wouldn't have to call upon the charity of another stranger in a few hours time.
But I didn't. I walked on by.
When I needed a neighbour, were you there, were you there?
I think the answer is no.
I wondered if when I died I would go up to Heaven and meet Jesus and he would look at me and say, "Remember that old, drunk woman in the second floor window that you pretended to be too busy to help. That was me. Yet you did not help me when I was in need. Aaaaah!"
And I would say, "No, not aaaaah. The scenario was at least morally ambiguous."
"No, it isn't....aaaaaaah!"
"Not aaaaaaah. If I had bought the cigarettes for an ill old lady, then you could easily have had me up here when I died and said "You bought cigarettes for an ill old woman. You contributed to her death. That is wrong.""
"No, I wouldn't have said that. I'd have said, "Well done, that was good". So aaaaaah!"
"Stop saying "aaaaaaah!" If you had just been you, instead of disguised as an old lady, then I would have got the cigarettes. You're a young bloke and so the cigarettes aren't going to do any immediate harm,a nd in any case, you're Jesus, so if you'd got lung cancer you could have just cured yourself...."
"Aaaaa...."
"Shut up. If you wanted to test me, why not create a more clear moral conundrum. You know, like a bloke of a different religion to me lying injured in the road. I would have helped him. Or a starving child begging for bread. I would have gone to the shops for that. Or if someone had been.... I don't know... doing an injustice, I would have questioned the injustice in some way. You know, made the bloke committing the injustice think about what he was doing, before moving on before he got too annoyed about me being all sanctimonious to him. The whole cigarette thing was too muddled a scenario. I was able to make a snap judgement as to why I shouldn't help her, and by the time I realised that I probably should it was too late. I was embarrassed to go back.... and to be honest she looked a bit smelly."
"So you admit that you were wrong...aaaah!"
"If you say aaaah again Jesus, I'm going to have you. I was sort of wrong, but not in any serious way. I don't deserve to go to Hell or anything. And I'm sorry about it. Isn't the point of you that you forgive people when they show remorse, rather than being all cocky and going "aaaaah!""
"No."
"Yes it is. Don't look at the floor, Jesus, look at me. I'm right aren't I? Aaaaaah!"
"Shut up!"
"Aaaaaaah!"
"Stop saying "Aaaaaaah!""
"Aaaa-a-aaaa-aa-aaaaah!"
"Stop saying that!"
"See it's annoying isn't it? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
At which point Jesus would rise up in vengeance and smite me for my rudeness and I would be tossed off into Hell, where demons would prod me with knitting needles and goats would bite my testicles with their fangs (they would be vampire goats). For alway.
So having imagined that scenario I felt much better about myself and realised that I probably wasn't being tested and that there would be no infinite repercussions for my selfishness.
But I wish I'd just gone and bought her some cigarettes.
And maybe some fruit too.
