I have written before about
unlikely autograph requests coming in from abroad. People claiming to be big fans email in from Spain or France, which just seems unlikely given that my fame in this country is fairly limited. How would they know about me? I am more than happy to give autographs to fans - though except in certain cases I will usually ask for a donation to SCOPE - but I am not really interested in paying to send my autograph to people who have no idea who I am, who are either trying to complete some impossible collection of the autograph of pretty much everyone in the world or worse are gathering autographs, knowing that in future some of them might be worth some money. It costs them nothing but a tiny amount of time (and many clearly just have some programme that sends the same email to everyone) and might make them cash in the future.
I am all for hobbies - even obsessive ones - and if the people sending these requests were honest about their motives I would have more sympathy. But I don't like the way they lie to try and trick you into getting what they want, especially as their lies are so easily detected that it's actually quite insulting to one's intelligence.
I have become quite good at spotting the false requests - something just doesn't sit right and most genuine fans will send a personalised email which makes it clear that they know who I am. Today I received this message - (usually I would withhold the address and email, but in this case that is not deserved and as you'll see is pointless with what is to come)
"DEAR RICHARD HERRING,
i am 11yrs old and i think youre the greatest comedian in the world. about a month ago i had a tumor removed from my brain and now im going threw radiation treatments. i told my parents that if richard herring wouldnt ever give up, i wont give up either. thank you for all your inspiration! keep up the great work and stay strong. i was just wondering if i could get an autographed picture from you? if not, i will totally understand you are very busy. thanks again and take care of yourself. youre the best. good bye.
RIK BURAN
RIK BURAN
3260 OLD CONCORD RD
SMYRNA, GEORGIA 30082
USA
corvette30082@yahoo.com"
Now this one is a bit weird right? It seems highly unlikely that an 11 year old in Georgia would have heard of me or find my stuff amusing if he had. Plus it completely smacks of being a template into which my name has been clumsily inserted. I am not sure I am renowned worldwide for my refusal to give up. But then again I can be a bit persistence. Had my daily blogging for almost nine years, inspired an 11 year old in America to fight back against a brain tumour? Had he been a fan of Warming Up since he was 2. And can one extrapolate from that that maybe my blog or my DVDs being read by someone so young, from a different culture where many of the references would make no sense, had actually caused the brain tumour? This might be my fault. I owed him an autograph right?
And really, what kind of sick and twisted individual would pretend to be an 11 year old with a brain tumour to get an autograph of someone that he probably didn't have any personal knowledge of? The spelling suggests that the person has a reading age of 11, so maybe it was legit.
Evenso I have dealt with people like this before and was 99% certain that this was a fake - I would imagine there are no more than 5 people in Georgia who have even heard of me - but I was interested to find out who would do such a weird and horrible hoax, so I sent back this response (not really expecting a reply). Admire how finely balanced it is -
"Hey rik
Great to hear from you. Sorry you've had a tough time. To be honest I am amazed that an 11 year old in America would even have heard of me. My stuff isn't really suitable. Let me know what stuff of mine you like and it will help me work out what is suitable to send,
Unfortunately I do have to check this is for real as there are some weird people out there who will make up lies in order to get autographs of people they don't even know! Weird hey? You'd have to be quite low to do something like that.
But if I have truly inspired you, let me know what stuff of mine you like and I will send you something
All the best and good luck
R
www.richardherring.com"
So if Rik really was an 11 year old with a brain tumour he had nothing to be offended about, but if not, then the perp will hopefully feel ashamed.
A short while later I got this response:
"HI RICHARD,
thank you so much to responding to my email letter. what is my favorite stuff you do? well thats almost impossible. ok. your wit, irony,black humour,satire. your dvd's are real funny like oh f--- im forty, the headmasters son, christ on a bike, etc. is their a problem? did i do something wrong? well i need to go now. thanks again for everything and i hope you have a wonderful day. good bye.
RIK BURAN"
Right, now I could be pretty certain this was a horrible hoax. The person responsible had made a cack handed attempt to appear like a fan, but made a few mistakes with that. Firstly his description of my comedy is almost word for word what it says in the genre part of
my wikipedia page. To try and look like this is his own remark "Rik" has cleverly moved the word "wit" from the end of the sentence to the beginning. And whilst my wikipedia page does list "Christ on a Bike" as a DVD, that one hasn't actually come out yet. Which would suggest that Rik is a horrible, sick liar. But then again if he has had a brain tumour he might be easily confused so let's not jump to any conclusions. What kind of a sick fuck was I dealing with?
So I responded,
"No problem if you're for real Rik. But I a just concerned you are not who you claim to be. Whilst I am happy to send signed stuff to real fans I am not really happy to send it to people who don't know me, especially if they make up stories.
Given that your email just quotes wikipedia and that Christ on a bike is not out on DVD yet I am suspicious that you are not telling me the truth.
I think a real fan could easily provide me with a quote or gag that isn't readily available via google. I hope you won't be offended if I ask you to do that.
Alternatively if you are just an autograph hunter, it's best to be honest about what you're doing rather than making up a story
All the best
R"
In the past I have found that the autograph hunter will get offended and go on the offensive the minute you challenge them, so in a way it was impressive that this one had remained initially calm despite my suspicions. But now it was time for him to appear hurt. He responded,
"its to bad now days that a 11yr old little kid cant even write to one of his favorite entertainers with out catching hell for it. i would be ashamed of ever talking about someone like you have. i hope you feel real big and bad ass for it.maybe you should call the make a wish foundation and tell them all the people are phoneys? or maybe you should work at a animal shelter putting dogs and cats to sleep? i bet that would make you feel real good. i am going threw enough stuff in my life as it is, between seeing doctors and treatments its very stressful on the body and mind. i just dont need this negative energy in my life.im going threw a lot of things right, so i decided to write to the person that makes me happy now days. is there a crime in that? if getting a picture from someone is a crime then lock me up then. gotta go now. thank you and god bless you and your family."
Oh dear, what if I had made a terrible mistake and this kid was genuine? I still thought this highly unlikely. You'd only get angry surely if you were lying yourself, but this person seemed determined to stay in character, even if they were perhaps not clever enough to do so.
I replied "Like I say Rik, if you're the real deal I will send you loads of stuff, but I have to be careful as there are some sick people out there.
It wouldn't take much just to confirm the stuff you know if you are a real fan.
I don't think you are.
It doesn't seem much to ask for some validation. How about a pic of you holding one the Christ on a Bike DVD that you've seen. Then I can send you the stuff and we'll all be happy.
Like I say if you're the real deal I am keen to help in anyway I can. If not then I think you're a bad person.
I await the photo dude
R"
His email header was DUDE MAN. It would be interesting to see if he would be able to provide a photo. And it would be embarrassing if somehow it was real and he'd got hold of a pirate copy. But if that was the case I would happily apologise profusely and send him free merchandise for life.
I decided to do some research. The only Rik Buran I could find on Google was a 55 year old, but he didn't live in Georgia (and please leave him alone as he is nothing to do with this). But when I googled the address to see if I could find anything confirming what was being claimed I found
this page, which even though a different name is being used, it's pretty much the same email and the same address. This person had been trying this odd technique to all kinds of people. Rik or Jeff or whoever (and a search of White Pages has given me a pretty clear indication that this person is called Jeff, though that's not his surname and he's in his forties). I emailed the link to the "Rik" who sent me some smiley faces and the phrase "April Fool's Day" which was wrong for a couple of reasons, mainly because it is 30th July, but also because I was at no point fooled.
I don't know if Jeff has broken any laws, though he is doing something a bit sick and you might argue he was trying to accrue gifts and things of value by means of fraud. So I looked up the local police department on Google and let the police chief know what had been happening by email. I wouldn't be surprised if someone who thinks that this kind of thing is funny or worth doing was also up to something else. And it's nice of him to provide his address (if that is his home). I was going to suggest that people deluge him with their autographs or any gifts that they think might be appropriate, but I guess given that it might not be his home then it's best not to do that. And I suspect the person concerned will get off on the attention. But it's a fascinating glimpse into what shit human beings are capable of.
I finally emailed Rik/Jeff to let him know I had contacted the authorities, but I have not heard back from him. I will let you know if the police chief gets back to me. I hope the person involved will seek help though, because this is very odd behaviour.
It shows that it is worth checking up on everything. The world is full of oddballs. In fact ironically I assume that Jeff is mentally ill and if he'd just emailed me and told me that he had this problem and was thinking of pretending to be a sick child because he so wanted autographs I would have had some sympathy and sent some.
If you want a signed programme then donate £5 per programme to
my justgiving page letting me know what programmes you want (I only have a few menage a un ones left, so those are £10) and send me your address and I will send you some when I am back in London. All the money goes to SCOPE.
And autograph hunters who aren't fans - honesty is the best policy. Don't take the piss. Though I have found that these people never watn to pay for the autographs, even though the money goes to charity.
