I was back in London by lunchtime after a quick and efficient flight, the only slight delay when the people scanning my bags made me take my plastic bag of collection money out of my rucksack. "Is it all right if I keep the notes?" said the lady who had stopped me. Oh, it's all right for the security at airports to do little jokes, but if I had come through and said, "There's a bomb in here!" I'd have been in all kinds of trouble. Yet, because I hadn't expected a joke from her, it did make it funnier than you might expect. Comedy is really all about surprise and an officially employed member of airport security asking to steal money from a charity is not what I expected.
I got home to discover that Frank Skinner had chosen
Lee and Herring as his third favourite double act of all time, which was another surprise (but not funny - not all surprises are funny, its more complicated than that for anyone who thought I'd inadvertently given away the secret of my profession). We never get mentioned in these kind of lists usually, so it was nice to get any kind of acknowledgement. Though we are not as good as Morecambe and Wise or Pete and Dud. I'd say we're better than the Krankies though, so he got that much right!
Frank said he'd like to see Lee and Herring reform and I don't think he's the only one, but I can't see it happening in the short term, though Stew often talks about giving it another go in our sixites (two old men bickering is undoubtedly funny). The problem is that one of us will almost certainly die before then, but it's a nice thought. There's a big part of me that would like to give it another go now and I think we'd do a good job, but we're both happy doing what we're doing and I can't see it would massively benefit either of us. But if in 15 years time Stew isn't up for the double act or is unfortunately dead, then I might see if his son would be up for giving it a go. He looks very much like Stew did as a child, so might look like him as a 19 year old too and I could just pretend it was Stew and that I had mysteriously aged overnight. I don't think it would be weird, a 60 year old man doing a double act with the 19 year old son of his erstwhile double act partner, whilst making the youngster insist he pretended to be his possibly dead dad. I think it would be good. And I reckon most people who remembered Lee and Herring the first time round would be either dead or senile so we could just do the exact same scripts (they were all the same anyway). I'm taking a gamble as Master Lee might not have the same love of jokes and entertaining people as his father and his delivery might be ponderous and wooden.... actually it might be OK.
It's good to have a Plan B. If you want to get an idea of what I am talking about then
watch this DVD and imagine the one in the horrible shirts with the non/less ridiculous hair is 60 years old. And talking about having sex with insects and stuff in front of a bewildered and possibly grieving version of the cool one.
Good, huh?
Predictably the first week of my diet, even with the Guinness thrown in, has gone well (My girlfriend and me went out for a 4 mile run when I got back which just about burned off the stouty calories). I've lost about 2 kilos, but this is the easy part. It did make me wonder though if you weighed the entire population of the UK on January 1st and then again on January 8th what the difference would be. This must be the week with the greatest disparity between those two figures (though you'd have to take into account the loss of the dead and the arrival of new babies - maybe just restrict it to people who were alive at the beginning and end of the week, disregarding women who gave birth between the two dates and anyone who lost a limb in an accident, unless they were prepared to take the severed limb on to the weighing machine). I kind of doubt anyone will go through with the project, but as Christmas weight shifted and new year's resolutions held, I think you'd get quite a difference in those seven days. If everyone has done as well as me then the UK is 120 million kilos lighter than it was at New Year. So let's say those figures are definitely correct and congratulate ourselves on a job well done.
I've quite enjoyed doing the first part of this tour in little spurts. I am 14 gigs down, with about 57 to go (might be a couple of dates added here and there, but probably only in the venues that have sold well). It doesn't even feel like I've started yet, though it begins again in earnest next week.
It's mainly selling well, so please book now if you want to come. Don't say I didn't warn you. Plus think of all the new fans I've got from the snooker podcast. 1 star iTunes reviewer Little Professor says "It is a sad end to his career," though I think that's a bit harsh. I might do some other stuff. But then they also say, "It might sound like a funny premise, but it's not - it's exactly as frustratingly boring as it sounds." But hold on Prof, you said it might sound funny, but then is exactly as it sounds. So by your own logic it is funny. I have defeated you. I am better than you. Probably a 15 year old. Eat my Guinness coloured shit (once you are of age to do so legally without me being sent to prison for forcing a minor to eat my black and splattery faeces - I'll save it in a jar for you, until you come of age. Anyone know the legal age limit for that?)
