I think I am a pretty good driver on the whole. I am generally cautious and observant and read the road ahead just like my driving instructor taught me before saying, "Would you say you have common sense? Well why can't you drive? You can't even drive!" Sometimes I can get a bit frazzled or distracted and become a bit erratic and when on tour worry that tiredness might overwhelm me. I have only had a few low speed bumps, always against inanimate objects, usually when I am reversing, (my spatial awareness can be a bit dodgy and I would prefer it if the world was in two dimensions, or at least if we could only move in one direction) but never had any real close shaves at speed (I once was pelting along to a gig that I was late for and almost didn't notice that the traffic ahead had come to a standstill. But I did notice in time, even if I had to leave a little rubber autograph on the tarmac.
But even though I think I am a 99% safe and attentive driver, all this time on the road (especially on those late night tired drives along with other tired and sometimes reckless drivers) I do think about crashing quite a lot. I was doing so on the drive up to Birmingham. I had managed to pre-empt the idiocy of another driver and avoid him driving into me as the traffic went along slowly. I thought about how annoying it would be to have been hit by this clown. I might have missed the gig, I would have had to hire a car or maybe even buy a new one. I congratulated myself on my prescience, but wondered how I would cope if I was ever called upon to make a split-second decision at speed. I know if you start sliding you're meant to turn your steering wheel a certain way, but I can never remember which way that is. And it's no good if people tell me, because I will become confused again. If that happened to me would I just do the right thing anyway? I hoped I wouldn't find out.
I usually think about this stuff on most car journeys. I am not overly morbid or terrified, but it's one of the risks of touring, especially when you're trying to save money by not staying in hotels if you can drive home. Most comedians aren't paid enough to justify a hotel room. I'm actually surprised that more of us haven't been killed on the roads.
The drive up did knacker me out a bit and I felt a bit unfocused as I got on stage at the Birmingham Glee tonight, but the room was packed and I soon blew away the cobwebs. It was probably the biggest crowd of the tour so far and one of the best gigs yet and as always I was brilliantly looked after by the crew at the venue. If this had been my last ever gig then that wouldn't have been a bad one to go out on.
I was signing autographs for about 45 minutes after the show ended. Which is terrific, but it's good to get on the road whilst the post show adrenaline is running high and I had over two hours of driving ahead of me.
It's strange when something you've been worrying about suddenly comes to pass and can feel like a premonition. But like I say I think about crashing my car on most journeys, though not specifically on how I would cope with a sudden high speed swerve. But within half an hour of leaving the venue I came the closest I have been to a full on accident in my ten years of driving. I am not entirely sure what happened. I was driving along quite happily in the left hand lane of a dual carriageway. I wanted to check that I had put something on the passenger seat and looked down for the briefest of moments. When I looked up again there was a car in front of me, braking and it was very close. Where had it come from? Had it been there all along and just suddenly slowed down? Had it just veered into my path from the hard shoulder. I can't tell you. I clearly hadn't noticed it before my attention had momentarily drifted, but I noticed it now. I was going too fast to brake and so had to take evasive action.
Now, I am almost certain that this incident was my fault and my lack of concentration (even though it was just a couple of moments) certainly meant that I was in the wrong, even if this driver had somehow just pulled in front of me and then heavily applied his brakes, but I was impressed with how I extricated myself from the situation, especially given I have no experience of anything like this and had been wondering earlier about the technicalities of what to do. I didn't panic, remained calm and jerked my steering wheel to the right. My car lurched, missing the braking vehicle, but now heading towards the central barrier. Stuff was rolling around in the back and it felt like I had pushed my feet through the floor like Fred Flintstone and jumped the car across the lane. I now needed to avoid crashing into the barrier and manfully hauled the slightly out of control car out of harm's way. It was a little bit hairy, but my reflexes had been excellent and my technique impressive, if mildly terrifying. I was alive and well and the car was still moving along. I had banged my elbow on the window (I think I had done all this one handed too) and although I was a bit freaked out and contemplating the fact that I had been half a second from disaster (at the very least a badly damaged car and some pain).
But I remained level-headed and didn't even need to stop to get my head together. I just called my girlfriend on my hands-free kit so I could talk it through and express gratitude that I would see her again and wasn't going to have to spend a month in hospital. I had come out unscathed, but couldn't help thinking about how close I had been to being scathed. But I was also thinking of becoming a professional rally driver. I don't know which way I turned the steering wheel or how I did it, but I escaped both collisions with aplomb and think I should become the new Stig (of the dump).
My mum will be cross with me as she's been predicting death and disaster for me on every slightly risky eventuality since I was born and doesn't like me driving around at night. The email will arrive within seconds of my publishing this. But stuff like this is going to happen every now and again and this is the first time I've been this close to a collision.
But it did make me think twice about long late night drive homes. It saves time and money and means I get to see my girlfriend more, but I think that now I am a bit older and the shows are so demanding that it's probably not worth the risk. Staying in hotels is lonely and day time driving takes a lot longer, but being dead or disabled will be a lot worse.
I was very glad to finally get home, but it had been a long drive, with thoughts of the fragility of life. Take care out there folks. The driver behind you might be me.
